Sometimes I take a look back over my shoulder and wait for nostalgia, for some emotion to rise. I see things that have changed in my life and things that have not changed for others who are in, or were in my life. I think about my past. Things I used to have like the comfort of my big home and no financial worries. I think about who I was, a person always in emotional turmoil, trying desperately to create peace, but not knowing how. I think about my relationships, especially with people who are no longer in my life.
And I wait for that tinge of sadness to rise, for some emotion to grab me by the throat and throw me into some sort of fitful longing for the past. I wait to be pulled back to a familiar, yet uncomfortable place. But no feeling or emotion is there. And I wonder why…
Have I grown numb for people or things of the past? Or maybe I’ve forgotten how to feel. Then I ponder a little more and smile. No. I still feel, except now in a different way. This is my new normal. And I’m getting used to it.
I’m not who I was a year ago. Six months ago. Yesterday. I have found freedom from the past I didn’t even know was holding me back. I found freedom to really love, 1 Corinthians 13 love, and it’s made all the difference in my life and relationships. I’ve found freedom in letting go of people and relationships that have moved on without me. And I’m okay with it. Really okay.
Do I still get lonely and long for connection and relationships? Yes, however, the difference is I’m okay with being in the moment and embracing the beauty of being alone. I am at peace with it. And the best part is, there is no longer pain in looking back.
I guess what they say is true. “Time heals all wounds.” I had a good friend tell me that once. I didn’t believe it because the pain of the moment was so strong and present. My heart was breaking and I could feel it. How could I heal from that pain? But I did heal.
It took time, and moving forward even through the longing for things to go back the way they were. Even through the heartache that returned every time I looked back over my shoulder longing for a different outcome. It took time to let go, but the pain is gone because I put my past where it belongs. In my past. And with no past before me, I am free create my future without anything holding me back. The pain disappeared when I moved forward and left my past where it belonged.
So where is my nostalgia for the past? It’s gone. Disappeared. Nostalgia is all about longing for what was and what could have been. There is no future in that. I have learned being nostalgic puts my past in my future and stops me from creating anything new in me life. And I’m ready to create a future, to redefine my life. Time does heal all wounds when I live in the present. And that’s where I’m living. Where are you living today?