Postive Parenting and NO Spanking?
This was written three years ago when I had abandoned one “authoritative” parenting philosophy that advocated spanking and tried to go the “non-punitive” route. What I’ve learned since is that the Holy Spirit should be your guide in disciplining your children, not a book!
Reposted from June 2007
Believe it or not yesterday, Chris(9) was the good son except for the vitamin incident. He absolutely hates the taste of the chewables and chokes on the swallowing ones. But after crying and arguing we managed to get some of them down. Later on Joey (9) and Timmy (4) had me pulling my hair out. I just wish the kids would give me a little break to recuperate before the next disaster comes along. I just wish I could “discipline positively” or be a “gentle mother.” But with four high maintanance kids who go from happy to hysterical with no warning in between and with no family support and very little if any friend support… and dear old hubby is most often oblivious to how crazy the kids get me (though he sees my reactions sometimes) I just don’t see how this disciplining without “punishment” will work in my family.
My kids have started saying “NO” to me and running away when I’m talking and my 4 year old is the worse. Consequences don’t seem to be changing the behaviors. But when they spend time alone in their rooms, (dare I say it… Time out), they emerge happy and gentle kids once again. Then I am able to talk with them and connect. When my kids are angry, they don’t want to go to the cuddle corner or be held. They want what they want when they want it and if they don’t get it they continue to whine and scream and say “No! First give me *****and then I’ll stop whining.” And because I don’t give it to them I end up raising my voice at them for whining and not going to their room…yada, yada, yada..Get my point!
Sorry to drone on… but this parenting thing is just so hard! More and more I’m resorting to yelling like my mother did just because I have no time to catch my breath and do what I need to do to control my reactions to my children. Last night I decided to put them on a strict summer schedule so there won’t be any surprises. I told them if they’re not on task, there will be consequences. I said, “When it’s time to do morning chores, you do morning chores and when it’s time to play, you play.” Joey looked at me with a playful gleam in his eye and said, “So do you mean if I’m not playing when it says to play, I get consequences?” The little stinker!
Those playful moments are the moments I live for… all the rest I can do without… or at least do with a little less of.
Wow! I’m so glad I’m over feeling guilty about punishing my kids. It was a crazy, rocky time in my life where I was listening to all kinds of parenting advice from the Attachment Parenting group which is sooo not me, though I wish it were!
Plus, I had a hard time choosing only Grace based discipline over punitive discipling. I believe God uses both types. Take the Garden of Eden for instance. If that’s not an example of punishment, read further on and you can see more examples. Sure, Jesus came to give us Grace, but I still believe he uses punishment (our own natural consequence) to teach us right from wrong.
I happy to say my parenting style has change. I offer grace much more than I did in the past, but I also make sure there are consequences that fit the crime. And lessons to be learned.
One thing that hasn’t changed is that my children overwhelm me. I still lose my cool. But as always, I try to apologize and sit them down for reconnection!
So my lessons learned on this is that no two families should parent alike and no two kids should be disciplined the same. I should consult the Holy Spirit in guiding my parenting on a daily basis. And it’s okay to glean advice from different camps! (My current book of choice is Heartfelt Discipline!)
Whatever works to help raise kids into Christ following, loving adults is success in my book!
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You and I struggle in the same areas of mothering. I’ve gotten over feeling guilty when I fall into the “yelling trap”. Instead, I apologize (something my own mother NEVER did) and will even pray and ask forgiveness in front of my oldest. Some days are more of a challenge than others, obviously, but I find myself having more better days than bad anymore. And that is a good thing!
July 5th, 2007 at 7:13 amJust came across your blog today, and I must say I can totally relate to your post. My kids are about to drive me up the wall these days (they are 4 and 3 yrs old). I just got read some more stuff about parenting and came up with some ideas. But I agree, that there is not just one system that is best for everybody. I do think that reading and discussing with others is helpful. It sort of renews my strength and gives me new ideas. Which I find I have to do with my kids, try something different until they figure that out or it gets to a level where it is not effective and so I need to move on. Thanks for the reminder that the Holy Spirit can guide me through those times of deciding what will be effective at that moment.
July 6th, 2007 at 2:23 pmJodi, if you’re doing better than your mom did, I count that as great parenting! I could have written your comment and I keep thinking, maybe my kids will kick the yelling thing. If not, then maybe there kids!
Jill, it’s so true what you said about things not always working for the long term and having to try new things. I can’t tell you how many different chore charts, incentives and systems we’ve gone through over the years. But it does work because now my 12 and 10 0year old don’t argue about having to do the dishes or vacuum. They do it when I ask, though rarely do it on their own without a reminder. But that’s something I’m okay with at this stage! At least there’s no whining!
July 6th, 2007 at 4:32 pm