Re-evaluating!
I feel like I’ve come full circle from when I started this blog. (If you don’t know the story you can find it under my photo in the sidebar. Click Debut Post.) I started this blog when I felt God urging me to give up writing, specifically my WIP. I did and it was like a part of me died. But I grew closer to God, and I thought I was getting my priorities in order. Maybe I was fooling myself. Maybe I just traded one idol for another. Maybe I missed God.
I feel like I’m a cross road. My family’s needs and demands have slowly been neglected again while I seek comfort and escape to the blogosphere and pursue my own dreams. I’ve been telling myself that when my WIP is finished, when school is out, then I’ll get my house in order. Maybe I’m just fooling myself. While I feel like I’m doing some good to some out here who read my blog, should I be trying to do more good in my family? Maybe this blog should be titled Portrait of a Mom…Interrupted. Maybe my writing is an interruption in my life… I just don’t know anymore.
My husband doesn’t feel like I’ve been pulling my weight around the house. His exact words “I really don’t know what you do around here.” I understand what and why he said that. And there’s a measure of truth to his words. My mother has been living with us for four months and has been carrying the load of doing laundry and some cooking while I concentrated on my writing. I know I’ve taken advantage… My husband has always been wonderful about putting the kids to bed at night among his other self-imposed to do list. He rarely complains, but I can sense his disapproval when I’m writing and he thinks I should be doing something else.
I know I do a lot, but it looks like maybe it’s not enough. (Deep down I know it’s not enough.) I wish I were one of those moms that simply had dreams and goals to be the best mom, wife and homemaker, but I’m not. I hate most things domestic. I don’t clean or do laundry on a schedule, but they get done. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish God would take away my other desires, at least during this time of my life. I think maybe he is.
My husband thinks I spend about four hours a day on the computer. I don’t think I do…but I often run to the computer when I’m tired or need a break. And I know I take advantage of his servant heart more times than I should. I’ve been feeling the conviction myself to get on a schedule a routine and I started one today with the kids, but maybe it’s not enough.
Maybe I need to do more at home and less here. I don’t know. Or maybe I do know, and I don’t like the answer.
I feel like a complete failure at this balancing thing. I’ve interviewed hundreds of moms who do it and yet I still can’t make it work in my life. Maybe balance isn’t for me. Maybe I’m an all or nothing kind of person. I don’t know. I don’t know much or anything anymore except I feel like I’ve come full circle again and I’m not sure what to do about it.
Maybe I need some time to sort it all out. Maybe I need a blogging sabbatical to focus on my family more. I don’t know. All I know is that what I’m doing is not working for my family again. But honestly, I don’t think not blogging or not writing will fix everything that needs to be fixed, but it might be a start. How I hate the dying to self thing! It seems to do everyone else good except me!
Here I’ve come full circle, Lord. Now what?
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What a “heavy” post! All I can really say to you is follow your heart. Take some time and it will come to you. Best wishes…..Cindi
May 25th, 2008 at 1:42 pmOuch! It’s so hard to find balance, and I think you’ve learned that everyone goes through it. Does your hubby know how important writing is to you? Some domestic things really can be overlooked from time to time. I struggle too–we’re all with you!
May 25th, 2008 at 7:25 pmGina, you sound so much like me…..other than the fact that I’m a single grandma and you are married with kids….. I find myself spending so much time on the computer. I too stop by and play a while when I’m tired or frustrated or just trying to avoid all the work staring at me around the house. I too need to find a balance. I’ll be following your story and will pray that you are able to work it all out successfully!
May 26th, 2008 at 10:28 amHmmm, I know how you feel. I am trying to limit myself to blogging after the family is in bed, and for a brief time in the morning before breakfast (ack - what am I doing here now! LOL). My husband too feels I need to spend more time focused on the home. We are called primarily to be wives and mothers, and everything else needs to work around that. But I know your struggle…believe me, I know, I am struggling with it myself.
May 26th, 2008 at 10:46 amGina - I guess that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. My husband and I made the decision for me to quit my part time job recently so that I could be home all day every day and spend time with our daughter. Our decision was based on the agreement that I would focus highly on my freelance writing and thereby continue to bring in some kind of an income. I feel guilty when I take time from writing to make the bed or do the dishes or do the laundry because I’m a neat freak and can’t stand for those things not to be done. So, in a way, I feel the opposite of your pain.
I know that our God is good and that He will guide. I will pray that you will hear the call.
May 27th, 2008 at 4:48 pmWell Gina, I don’t have any great words of wisdom for you, but I can certainly understand it when you said you didin’t have dreams and goals to be the best mom, wife and homemaker. I also hate household chores. Many women have careers today, and writing is something you can do without leaving your home. If you and your husband are good communicators, just sit down and have a heart-to-heart, explaining what your passion is. He will hopefully respect and support you in that, and together you guys can work out a system that honors everyone in your family.
May 27th, 2008 at 6:27 pmGina, would this be a different story if you were bringing in an income? Maybe you just need to wait it out a little while longer. Instead of considering yourself a stay-at-home mom you need to re-label and call yourself a work-at-home mom. I know it may be tough, but take at least 2 - 3 days of the week and call them work days. Call a family meeting…pour out your heart and ask if they are in it with you…try and get everyone on board with you. I hate to see your work be in vein. I feel that you are almost there (at getting published) and then maybe you will feel more validated. WHile your mom is here, you may as well use the time…I almost wrote “take advantage of the situation” but I do not think that is what you are doing. I am sure the help your mom does around the house helps her to feel better about being there…and I am sure you could use the time. Just talk to the entire family…(i know you have a million times but this time get them all on board with you). You said you have a new schedule with the kids…well, just rewrite it and add your writing in there. Loosen up a bit and let the kids do some ddr and video games (board games and other games too)this summer while you are writing. Before they do that just have a stipulation the chores must be done…great motivation and your housework will be getting done.If you are fearful they may fight for time…hey, splurge on another game…I can already hear you saying “no way” but…it is worth it for the writing time and only for the summer. It is not like they will be “playing” all day. Barter with dh…writing for “golf” or whatever he is interested in. Maybe your mom could fill in if you are both not available. This can work…it can happen…you are so not alone. We are all here with you…just not saying it. Now we are looking at you…cheering you on…and seeing if it works for you so we can try it!
May 28th, 2008 at 7:47 amGod has given you this gift! Be encouraged…don’t give up. We love your writing!
Karen
Thanks everyone for the encouragement. The emotion of the moment has passed and I really think I need to “show” my hubby I’m really working around the house which means trying not to get on the computer when he is around. I have had a writing schedule during the school year, but my problem comes in the random times I jump on the computer for a “minute.” I need to get things back into balance and see if I can make it work. Hopefully I can with God’s help.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:47 amI would miss you but would understand.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:34 amHi Gina,
June 1st, 2008 at 7:33 pmI was sent here from one of my comments on my post of a similar nature: http://creativetree.typepad.com/treeswingreading/2008/05/what-does-balan.html
I’m still figuring this out for myself too! I’ve been tempted to give up everything but the homemaking/mommy type things, but I know a part of me would die inside, you know? I need the creative outlets to survive. This summer will be interesting for sure. Thanks for helping me feel like I’m not alone with this!
Tami