Intimacy: Fact of Fiction?
Found this written somewhere in my journal. Thought someone might be able to relate.
You see it all the time in books and movies, two kindred spirits. The deep intimate relationships between close friends that have seen each other at their best and worse, yet love and forgive each other anyway.
Subconciously, I think I’ve been searching all my life for this type of friendship. At times, I’ve tasted a little of what this relationship looks like, but inevitably things fall apart, close friends move away, or something happens in the friendship to put distance between us.
Looking back on my life and my lack of really close intimate friends, I’m beginning to wonder whether this type of relationship really exists, or if I’m just chasing a fairytale.
I’m beginning to wonder if it’s me who keeps driving these friends away.
It seems whenever I feel close enough to someone to really expose my heart, or safe enough in a relationship to bring up something that is standing between us (aka. bugging me) , it back fires. Instead of bringing us closer as friends, I somehow drive a wedge between us which is not my intention at all.
I’m starting to figure out that maybe I’m just too intense a person. Maybe even too needy. I’d rather deal with things that are bothering me in a relationship than just constantly gloss over them. I’m big on Grace and forgiveness in my relationships, but I don’t denying my feelings. I feel, forgive and go on. Once in a while I feel secure enough in a relationship to expose my heart and my true feelings. But maybe I’ve taken it a bit too far this time. Maybe some things aren’t meant to be shared or maybe my relationships are not as close as I thought them to be. At this point in my life, I’m clueless.
Whatever the case, the result is always the same. I seem to push people away instead of bringing us closer. I seem to bring hurt with my honest feelings, instead of healing. I seem to be harsh, when all I want to do is clear the air. I’ve been confronted on my “stuff” enough over the years. It hurts, but I get over it, learn, and move on. Should I expect others to do the same?
So what do you think? Do these relationships really exist? Should I just forget it and continue in the easy surfacy friendships that are fun and rewarding in their own ways?
If something is bothering me, should I just forgive and forget, even if it happens over and over again? Should I ignore my feelings, even if they get hurt and cause damage on my side of the relationship, and spare my friend’s feelings?
And last, do you desire this type of friendship and have you found it?
Sages of the internet, let your advice flow!
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Gina,
I too have girlfriend issues. Relationships with women are so complex! I am also intense and a little needy.
I really only want a few close friends. I don’t have the time or energy required to have lots of friends.
I don’t know if your ideal friendships exist or not. But if you find out, let us know!
July 13th, 2008 at 9:14 amThey do exist, but at a cost. I felt and sometimes still feel the way you did when you wrote here. I remember praying and asking God to send me a friend. I was thinking of one my own age, one with children I could relate to etc. etc.
July 13th, 2008 at 2:55 pmTwo women whom I knew, that were the same age as mom and I ended up going through a fairly traumatic experience together that will effect the rest of our lives, quite possibly and in a odd way, we are very close. They are not maybe people I would have ever thought I would say are my best friends, seeing as they are much older than me. Yes, you have to put time and energy into friendship, you have to be willing to do for them what you want them to do for you. We are as close as family, but yet you do have to not blow your friends away by spouting off what you think. Think how you would want them to relate to you.
Anyhow, close friends can be where you least suspect!
Gina,
I have been blessed with a best friend for many of my short years. Though, there have been times when I did not have one. And those were difficult years.
On a more romantic relationship side, movies like “Before Sunrise” demonstrate that the incredible interconnection that a guy and girl can feel is amazing. But, the movie ends before we can experience any real life with them. And this is because of the simple fact that life is hard. Life with others is difficult. And we are imperfect.
So, kindred spirits are a reality, but they require effort, time, and grace. And I think our kids (even with just my surrogate children) show us this too: We love them, no matter what… even when they are driving us nuts.
…hmm… now I wonder if I’m even responding to your question. I’ll stop talking now as I have a tendency to ramble.
Hope that helps [smile] or at least sparks an idea.
~Luke
July 14th, 2008 at 10:12 amthis is always a tough topic. examine your heart and motives…ask God for wisdom…try to figure out if the relationship is toxic to you & your family. if it truly is toxic, it might be time to move on…if it’s one that needs some guidence and tweaking on your part or your friends and you can have an open dialog (that is healthy and productive) then that might be a better solution. do whatever you can to not burn bridges… always seek His wisdom.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:46 amI have had a few what I call true friendships. I could tell these friends anything and still be accepted unconditionally. Lately, it has been missing. We all are going through different phases of our lives. I do miss them, though.
July 15th, 2008 at 12:08 amCindi
“Two kindred spirits. The deep intimate relationships between close friends that have seen each other at their best and worse, yet love and forgive each other anyway” . . . I think that kind of relationship can only exist between two mature Christians. And yes, it should definitely be possible, but maybe we’re all too human for that to be possible.
I had a special friendship similar to that years ago with a roommate, but she discovered that she had breast cancer and committed suicide. I was upset that she didn’t share her worries and fears with me until I realized that it wasn’t about me and my hurt feelings.
I guess the closest I’ve come to what you described is the relationship my husband and I have.
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:53 pmHi, i just happen to stumble on your page. I have some issues right now and was looking to find a wbesite of poem to amend things and I stumble in your page. As to frienships. True Bestfriends do exist. I think that you dont have to try so hard. As for me I’ve known my bestfriend mary for about 13 years. But it started out as just a friendship as i had other friends. but as years pass and other friends have moved on she has always remain in contact with me. She is also a christian so of course we met when we both backslided and after so many years past we reconciled with the Lord and so we both go to the same church. But even after that it didnt mount up to anything but just a friendship but i’ve notice that she is alot like me. We like the same things. Many times before i could finish a sentence she would finish it. and many of the things that she has gone through in life i’ve notice that it wasnt until time later i would encounter the same issues. She as two kids and so do i. She was with her kids father and that relationship ended no sooner did the same happen to me. So we are both single moms raising 2 teenage kids and we have a lot in common. I feel like I dont need many friends. As long as I have her as my bestfriends makes a world of difference to me.
September 29th, 2008 at 6:37 pm