School starts in seven days! Seven days! Which means not only will my kids be going to school in 100 plus degree heat, so will I!

Is it just me or is it just plain wrong to send kids to school in August? Technically, it’s still SUMMER. Time for swimming and BBQs and staying up late! Sure, getting out of school at the end of May was great, but I’d gladly extend school into June if we could start school in September!

September is for school (though where I grew up in NY September days were just as HOT as August.) They even start with the same letters. I’ve heard a few arguments for school ending in May and starting in August, but I’m not buying any of them. What’s your take on this school thing?

I really wish we’d go back to an after Labor Day school start, especially this year. I could use the extra month to catch up on house stuff, plan for my Creative Writing class, and finish my 2009 tax return!

But school starts in a week and I’m teaching, guess I can’t play hookie!

My kids would tell you I’m WAY overprotective.

My oldest wasn’t allowed to walk down to the neighbors home on his own in our quiet suburban neighborhood until he was ten, and then I can’t even remember if I let him play inside. There was a lot to worry about. I really didn’t know the parents or the older brother at all. Why would I allow my son to play inside a home I’ve never been in? Mix that with the nightly news and violence against kids and my overactive imagination and you got one overprotective mom.

When it came time to send the kids to camp, I’d warn them about swimming in the lakes and that parasites that could infect their brains and kill them if they got water up their nose. Every year a kid died from this mysterious disease in our state and my kids were not going to be one of them! Add that to the fact that I knew people who’ve drowned in rivers and were paralyzed in lakes and that lakes where we live are just plain icky and disgusting and you got one over protective mom.

Don’t even get me started about my fears of dogs and guns in someone’s home…

I’m sure I can go on and on and you can probably add your own overprotective stories to this post (and please do in the comment section) but I’d like to tell you about a REAL random act of violence that happened to my sweet, eight year old daughter yesterday…

I just started allowing my daughter to go to friends houses in the neighborhood and let friends come over, but the act of violence didn’t happen at home. It happened on vacation over her grandparents’ house. I should preface the story that the violence while random, wasn’t physically damaging and she seems to be emotionally fine (though wanting justice) so don’t worry, nothing horrific happened to her.

It was getting dark and her and her two older brothers and cousin wanted to go outside and watch the bats fly, so while normally I’d insist on an adult being outside with them, on this quiet cul-de-sac I wasn’t worried, though the idea did give me a moment of pause. Everything was quiet and I finally decided it was time for them to come in when my daughter comes up to me and tells me this little girl came up and punched her three times, one in the eye. I shook my head, not sure I heard correctly, but she told me the same story.

Her and the boys were playing a game where she was hiding in the bushes when this group of kids came up (not sure if they were playing with them, but the other day they did ask if they could play when we were down the street at a family reunion with about 50 people in the yard and the owner of the house said it wasn’t a good time, so we don’t know if they were mad about that)

My daughter said she saw the older girls whisper to the littlest one and then the littlest one (about my daughters size) went up and punched her in the face and eye about 5 or 6 times. And that was it!

Of course, I questioned why she didn’t yell and she didn’t know why. She was probably in shock, but that gave me concern because I’ve always taught my kids about screaming when a “bad man” tried to hurt them. I guess I should have expanded the age and gender bracket on “bad men.”

I then asked her brothers and cousin why they didn’t defend her and they didn’t even know it happened. Wow! More questions birthed in my mind. How could no one know what had happened even though she was hidden from everyone and why didn’t she tell?

Why didn’t she tell?

Makes you wonder how many other victims don’t tell right after the “act of violence,” but thankfully that’s the first thing she said when she saw me.

Needless to say, I was in shock and outraged and insisted on having my husband go down and talk to the family. It hasn’t happened yet and I’m a little worried that the parents might not believe their child did this, but my daughter keeps asking “are we going down there today.”

She may not be able to put it into words, but I know she wants justice. In fact, she said “I want to see her get in trouble.”

So if you think about it, say a prayer for “justice” and the courage for us to play this thing out when it’s so easy just to forget it all happened!

I woke up everyday on vacation around 6:30 – 7am. The first week I blamed it on the time change. Back home it’d be 8:30-9am so it seemed logical. But by week 2 and 3 I thought my body would have caught on. Others blamed it on the altitude or the light streaming in the windows of where I was staying. I’m not sure what it was, but I consistently woke up earlier than I wanted to!

Now that I’m home and sleeping in untlil 8:30, 9 and sometimes 10:30 and theoretically in bed more hours than I was on vacation I’ve got a new theory.

On vacation I played hard and slept well, even in a strange bed every couple of nights. I slept really well, woke up very rested, and remembered I my vivid dreams (the one about being attacked by a moose and a camel came to save me and the other where Don Maass told me to dump by historical and write my time travel book, though I attributed that to listening to The Time Traveler’s Wife in the car.)

Being home, I’ve noticed I’m having trouble going to sleep, and I’m waking frequently through the night. Why?

Now for the theory. On  vacation I didn’t worry about anything. I enjoyed each moment without a care for the next day. At home there’s so much to do I lie awake worrying whether I accomplished enough during the day and thought about what I needed to do the next.

Needless to say, I’m not sleeping like I did on vacation and I’m sleeping in. So how to remedy my sleep issues?

I’m not sure. All I can think of is “cast your cares on Him.” Easy in theory, hard when your home looks like a tornado swept through it after the hurricane had its way. SIGH!

Maybe I just need to fall into a new bed time routine and lay off the caffeine during the day!

Thoughts?

My intention is not to make light of those who have suffered real loss from death or tragedy, but I’ve been in a writing funk for a while…almost two weeks and suddenly realized I’ve been going through the five stages of grief. I’m happy to say I’m in the acceptance stage, but for a while it was ugly, real ugly.

After an incredible weekend with Susan May Warren and some sound writing advice I began to realize I might have to ditch the WIP I’d been working on for 6 months. All 50,000 words. Now you need to understand something. 6 months and 50,000 is a huge chunk out of my writing life, and I was not about to give it up without a fight. I was in the SHOCK and DENIAL stage all weekend. I couldn’t think, let alone apply any of the great teaching to my current WIP which was technically dead to me at the moment.

After the excitement and the adrenaline of the weekend wore off I went through a mixture of ANGER and BARGAINING and DEPRESSION. I don’t remember the anger stage being strong, but depression was incapacitating at times! I couldn’t write or even read. What was the point! My story was dead, and I wasn’t about to try and read someone else’s story while I was grieving. Then came the bargaining. Maybe, just maybe I can salvage the WIP. So I tried writing my historical romance in first person. Only got 113 words written before depression set in again and I realized it was useless. If I turned my WIP into women’s fiction, it would be a totally different story with a different feel and plot. Which was okay, but something I didn’t have the energy to do. After all, I was still grieving.

So I started revisiting an old idea, close to my heart that I’ve been afraid to write. First, I reread the 7 pages, the only pages I’ve written and my heart was stirred. I felt new life coming back into my soul. So I read it again, and edited just a few lines and added a few more. Could I do this? Then I sent it out to some trustworthy friends for confirmation that I should be working on this story. All the results are still not in from said friends, but my heart is stirred and terrified! It’s the story of my heart, and I don’t know if I have the skill to do it justice. It’s nothing like I’ve ever written before, and I don’t even know where to begin. But I’m finally in the ACCEPTANCE stage and ready to move on. I’m ready to write again.

Where are you in your writing? Are you grieving? Sometimes if we identify the loss, it makes it easier to move on!

Not that I know from experience or anything…

10. Write a top ten list of how to embarrass your teen

9. Tell their friends something about what they did when they were little

8. Tell them you talked to/emailed their teacher about… (fill in the blank)

7. Blog about them

6. Comment on their facebook page

5. Comment on their friend’s facebook page

4. “Friend” their friends on facebook

3. Show their friends a picture of them when they were ten

2. Try to hold their hand in public

1.  Sing at their school karaoke night “Saturday Night Live style” in hopes of winning the award for “the parent who embarrassed their kid the most!” I’m still waiting for my prize!

This came in my email today by 66 Love Letter by Dr. Larry Crabb! Just what I needed! God is good and I’m so ready!

God says, when I toss My children into the air, terror comes before delight. Put yourself in the place of My people in Daniel’s day. They felt thrown into the air with no safety net beneath them. They couldn’t see their God ready to catch them.

Jerusalem lay in ruins. They had no king. Heathens had entered the Holy of Holies and lived to bring home the sacred treasures they stole. And the theology of My people, all their expectations, crumbled.

The greatest danger My people face today is prosperity, blessings that reinforce the false hope that nothing serious will ever go wrong in their lives if they just keep believing, expecting, trusting, and smiling.

My people in Daniel’s day were wrestling with hard questions that the prosperous church of today never asks.

When every expectation of how your life should turn out is shattered; when I seem to you like an indifferent, cold sovereign, a promise-breaker, a useless God, an abandoning parent, rejoice! You are ready for the unveiling, to meet Me as I AM.

I’ve been observing Lent for decades. At first out of habit, now out of want for more of God. But it wasn’t until the last couple of years that I heard about Fat Tuesday.

Fat Tuesday. Not sure I really need to indulge all that much because I’ve been indulging for the last year so gorging on what I’m giving up doesn’t seem necessary. So what am I giving up? What am I NOT giving up is a better question. Here’s the what and why. Feel free to share yours in the comments.

Facebook and Twitter because they rob me of time and relationships.Whenever I get needy I run to the computer and tweet and click and search and wait for instant gratification. Needless to say, it isn’t instant, so I tweet and search and comment and wait sometimes wasting an hour or more, robbing myself of building real life relationships with God, family, and friends. So I’m taking the temptation away and trying to run to those closest when the urge for connection comes. Don’t worry, I’ll still be available by email (my facebook messages come to my email,) but the mindless, surfing will be cut off and hopefully I’ll get more done. Hopefully!

Food, okay, not all food, but specifically sweets, treats, simple carbs, junk food…you get the picture. I’ve tried to give these things up since January, but for some reason it’s easier to cut these out of my diet during Lent. Every time I reach for a piece of candy, the conviction hits hard, and I have the will power (through grace) to say no because I made a commitment not just to myself, but to God. I usually give up this stuff every year and don’t lose weight, but hopefully this year will be different since I’ve been really good about exercising. I’m hoping to make this a permanent life change.

I’m sure I’ll give more things up along the way as I notice what comes between me and God, but for now that’s enough and like I said I won’t be gorging myself today on these things. I’ll just go about my normal lack of self control, cause I really thinks that’s more than enough for Fat Tuesday.

How about you?

Do you observe Lent? Why or why not?

And what are you giving up for Jesus to make room for him?

Why are we drawn to what we can’t have and to the people who don’t want us? Why is it so easy for some to be a part of a group while others continue to stare from outside the circle longing to be in. I’ve struggled with this feeling ALL my life and it’s so hard to see my kids struggle with the same thing. I want desperately to help, but how can I when I don’t have the answers?

Friendship, true friendship is a gift. It can’t be bought for oneself and it shouldn’t be begged for. To be given something after prodding and begging seems to cheapen the value, lessen the friendship. Who wants a gift that was forced? I sure don’t. But it’s taken me YEARS to learn this lesson, and God’s been speaking to me of late, whispering a simple truth for my life that sounds something like this “don’t chase after friendships that I have not given you.”

I don’t understand why some people are drawn to each other and others are not. I don’t understand why I can easily rally people together but am often forgotten. I don’t understand why my children have to experience the same thing, but I do know that Jesus understands because he’s walked the same, lonely path. He didn’t conform to this world and wasn’t invited to the “happening” parties either.

The only thing I do understand is that God has given me a heightened sense, an awareness of those who feel the same way. I notice the outsider at writing conferences desperately wanting to belong to that inner circle. I notice the insecure child not sure how to fit in. I notice the quiet one in a crowd. Because I have been there and in many ways, I’m still there. And often times I feel God wants me to reach out to them. And many times I do.

Do I still long to be a part of the in-crowd? Do I still feel left out when I hear of others getting together when I sit home alone? Does my heart still ache for my children who are often left out? Yes, yes, and yes. But I know that friendship is a gift and instead of looking for it, I’m asking God to give it to me, to my children. And those he’s sent my way in the last couple of years, months, those whom he hand picked for me are priceless. Though they are not many, I wouldn’t trade them because they have given me a gift. The gift of true friendship.

What about you? Do you chase after things, people that are not yours? And how can you use your longer to reach out to others?

This break has been wonderful. I’ve hardly accomplished ANYTHING and I don’t care!!! I’m not ready to start back to the daily grind, the driving, the homeschooling, the teaching, the STRESS!!! So maybe I should pray for more snow and prolong the inevitable just a couple more days!

Anyone with me?

Off line, away from my computer, tending to the things of life like homeschooling, carting kids from activity to activity, and teaching creative writing two days a week.

This year is the season of “no” for me. At least that’s the way I feel. No writing, no blogging, no socializing (not that I have many real-life-friends, anyway,) no doing much of anything for me! My exercise schedule has slowed down as I try to get my kids caught up in homeschooling and my body feels the neglect.

Balance? I don’t think it exists and my “hat”analogy is okay but there’s no way to switch all those hats every single day, so some of them, my very favorite, get left on the self to collect dust.

I feel like I’ve done a 180 in the writing arena from 5 years ago. Instead of spending hours and hours thinking and writing, I’m lucky if I sit down for an hour a week. My WIPs have made the rounds, several times and I’m in the waiting stage, again, trying to start a new WIP as I read tweets and blogs of writing moms who do all I do AND MORE and STILL have multiple contracts. The “why not me” monster tends to rear it’s ugly head every couple of months, but here’s the twist in my response… a part of me doesn’t even care anymore about that illusive book deal, doesn’t even really want it like I used to want it. Who needs the stress and who has the time to do what it takes to get it done? But the feeling of being “less” still crops up. Less of a writer, less of a blogger, less worthy to receive the blessing, less of a good mother despite the fact I’m spending more time doing what a mother should…less.

Sure, it’s the seed of the enemy, but he’s working with what he’s got and reminding me of the “Nos” and all the “lesses” in my life, and how many of my forty years have been filled with Nos! Let’s just say way more than I care to dwell on.

Crawling back in my cave now until there’s something more exciting, thought provoking or depressing to blog about!

I’m still processing all the wonderful and ambiguous things that happened at ACFW this year. Every ACFW has a different feel and every time I go, I have a different need. I’m a different person, a little further on my writing journey, but not necessarily closer to the finish line.

This year I felt disconnected at ACFW. I’m not sure what it was exactly, but I think it was a combination of not having a finished manuscript to pitch, throwing some new proposals together two weeks before I boarded the plane and having the hotel be so darn big! Don’t get me wrong, the Marriott Denver Tech Center was beautiful and the staff wonderful and gracious, it’s just I felt so small. I’m not sure if that too was due to the large facilities or the place I feel I’m at in my writing journey. But for me, something was missing.

At times I felt like I was a stranger looking through the windows of someone’s home, wondering about the people laughing inside. Longing to be a part of the festivities, but feeling like an outsider. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert who longs to be with others, but feels like a third wheel. Maybe it’s because I haven’t developed deep and real relationships with other writers at ACFW. Maybe it’s because there’s some sort of connection still missing and I just don’t know what it is. Maybe I’m longing for something that is not mine.

Other times I felt confident and social, and honestly, those were the best times! I felt wanted and included and thought to myself, this is what ACFW should be about. Reaching out to others, those wandering around feeling like they too are on the outside looking in. So I sought others like myself and stepped out of my comfort zone to bring comfort to someone else. I was blessed by it.

And finally, I felt humbled and in awe of a God who answers prayers and comforts us in our time of need. I’d been praying specifically for an open door with an editor and though I had the chance to approach this person several times, I didn’t feel it was right. But instead of opening a door, God threw open a window and invited me to climb through. His plan was much better than my own. I’m not sure if anything will come of it, but the unexpected answer to prayer was exactly what I needed when I least expected it. Isn’t that just like God?

So am I any closer to getting published than I was a year ago? I’m not sure. Several editors requested my proposals, but whether or not anything comes of it is a mystery. All I can do is keep writing, and let God do the rest. And maybe, just maybe, when I least expect it God will tell me it’s time!

I had a nice chat with my agent this morning. He’s been working hard to sell my two stories and while there’s been a positive response to my writing, the stories haven’t been fits so far. After reworking one of them, we’re still hopeful and I’m looking to see if I can add a new thread to the shorter one. In the meantime, I started working on another WIP, and I shared with him several other ideas I had. He said two of them had great premises, so I’ll be brainstorming those soon so I can share them with editors at ACFW.

ACFW! It’s only a few weeks away and now I have some direction as to what to do there. I was sort of floundering since my finished WIPs had already been seen and I didn’t have any new ones to pitch. His advice: Research the editors and what they’re looking for and talk about those stories that fit their house.

Good advice and just what I needed to get my creative juices flowing.

More on the new WIPS as soon as I flesh them out! Thanks to all my readers who still come by to check out what’s happening in my world. I’ve been lax in returning the favor, but please leave a comment (with URL) and I’ll be sure and stop by to check out your world!

I’m not sure who I am any more, or more accurately, what I should be doing!

Life is shifting gears with the onslaught of school and the inevitable scheduling changes. Our family is neck deep for the next three weekends reaping the fruit of our rehearsing labor with the productions of  the Wizard of Oz. One plus, is that no more staying out really late for rehearsals (One night we got home at midnight!) since crazy tech week is over. Downside, school’s started and we’re all exhausted! But the IDR (invitational dress rehearsal where we invite the local shelters to watch for free) was a success and it feels so good to bless people and treat them to what could be their very first live theatre experience.

Getting back to identity crisis! I’ve been so busy with the play, and planning for my first year of teaching REAL school, and planning my daughter’s trip to North Carolina to be on the Raggs show (post IS coming I promise) that I’ve neglected other areas of my life including my routine exercise (my body feels the effects!) laundry and cooking, and writing.

So while I’m currently in actress, chauffeur, babysitter (I get the privilege of watching nine 5-10 year old little girls in the greenroom and TRYING to keep them quiet,) teacher mode, I feel like I’ve dropped the pen, so to speak! Not to mention I don’t even have a homeschool plan for my own kids. But surprisingly I am NOT stressed. I’m taking ONE event at a time while other things like my blog design and WIP go neglected!

I know a routine will fall into place and I’m choosing not to be stressed. I’ve given myself until after the play to get my homeschool plan together and house in order, but then it’ll be time for ACFW conference and I’m a little nervous about that because I feel so unprepared and I don’t have time to get prepared with all that’s going on!

Oh why do I thrive on chaos! So thanks for sticking with me while I try to figure out who I am and what I’m supposed to be doing. Right now, I’m in lazy mode and it feels good! Got to sleep in and work on blogging and emails while fighting a headache! Call me lazy, go ahead! I’ve earned the title!

…about thirty years late. But I guess it’s still a dream come true. When I was younger I loved being on stage in my high school plays, even if I was just in the background dancing, but I hated the auditions. It scared me to death. I never had a speaking part that was more than a line or two, but I was fine with it. Though secretly I dreamed of being a childhood actress and star on television. Not sure why I was obsessed with it. Maybe the lives and families on television looked more fun than my own, but I really never told anyone of my dream. I was too shy and insecure and growing up in a single mom home, didn’t think my dream would ever come true.

Then I got married, had children and over the years I realized my children were gifted musically. So I put them in musical theatre and though shy at first, they all fell in love with theatre and they were good. I was happy to get my childhood dream fix watching them, though once again I wondered if it was something I could do myself. But who had the time with pursuing a new/old passion of writing fiction and being published. Still, I thought I should at least give it a try, once and promised my kids one day I’d audition and be in a play with them.

I thought one day was a long time away, but with no pending book contracts or books in dire need of writing, it seemed like I had a pretty free summer. So I nervously auditioned for the Wizard of Oz. My kids said I had a great Wicked Witch cackle, I took that as a compliment and with shaking script in hand, I auditioned.

And was relieved I didn’t get the part, but I did get in the play. I had a safe little part as Mrs. Gulch the mean woman who wanted to take Toto away. All I had to do was run across the stage, yell a few lines and I was off. I had a few other appearances in Oz, but for the most part, it wasn’t a big deal and I was okay with that. My dream, still fulfilled.

Then I got a call. “Auntie Em left the show and could I do it?” My first thought, I enjoyed being the mean lady with a small part. Could I be nice old Aunt Em with a dozen or so lines. They needed me, so I said yes, now I have to memorize the lines which is my second biggest fear. My third biggest fear, forgetting the lines!

But I had my first practice as Aunt Em the other day and it felt pretty good. There’s 3-4 more weeks left of practice and I’ll get better and learn those lines. So while it took me over 30 years to make this childhood dream come true, I’m praying it won’t take another 30 for my dream of publishing my first novel!

It’s been a year or two since I switched my blog from blogger to WordPress. The main reason I did it was so I could schedule my posts and not be a slave to my blog. I LOVED the schedule feature, but noticed I lost a lot of followers. Still, it made my life easier until blogger upgraded their software.

Now I’m still wondering the reason for my lack of commenters and readers, though I know there’s lots of lurkers out there and I know my content has been “lacking” the last year or so, but could it possibly be because of the blogger, wordpress switch?

Is there sort of a blogger loyalty among users, or is it really all about content and how much I visit other? Which I agree has been slacking, but even when it wasn’t I still didn’t gain the followers. I’m considering switching my personal blog back to blogger, though keeping my professional one of WordPress. Anyone have thoughts or opinions? I’m not even sure it will help.

God’s been whispering something to me for a while and I’ll probably post on it later, in depth, when I figure it out, but are some people meant to be John the Baptists, loners forging the path for the “real” ministers in life? Now I’m not discounting John. He was one of the greatest prophets and pointed the way to Jesus, but he lived a solitary life. He did his thing and got out of the way for Jesus to his. But was his ministry any less meaningful? I don’t think so. Even Jesus needed to be baptized by John. It was necessary. So am I here in the blogosphere, just maybe not to the masses like some others.

Just some thoughts banging around as I’m beginning to relate to John more and more and just trying to figure out where I fit in this blogosphere and this writing world.

Is it better to dabble and excel in several things that you love or focus and commit to one talent, one discipline you’re not sure you want to spend the rest of your life doing, but you enjoy?

That’s the dilemma Joey, my 12 year old,  is facing. We just had an audition with a music conservatory. Several friends have received scholarships there, and I knew Joey was a candidate. The school explained to me it was a vigorous “Russian” program, and I knew if any one of my kids could do it, it’d be my A+ student who loves to play the piano.

We went. Joey impressed them, and then I was called in and given the “music will be his life for the next seven years” speech. While I was informed by friends that they were very strict, I guess I didn’t realize they expected Joey not to pursue any other interests. In fact, one of the first things they said to me is that he had a strong interview and he was a very polite boy, but he has a lot of talents and interests. Which is true. Joey could have been a competitive tumbler, but for reasons beyond our control (like the gym closing and not finding another program) he’s lost some of his skills. We planned on putting him back in tumbling now that we found another gym. He also loves theatre and thought he could give it up for a year to pursue piano, but he’s dismayed at the thought of seven years of not doing the other things he loves. Now, the scholarship is not for seven years, they reevaluate every year, but they want to take serious students and parents who will push their children and drive them even when the children don’t want to continue. That’s the Russian influence and the teacher was very honest about the philosophy of the school. She even said she had to turn down some very talented students because the parent’s weren’t 100% on board.

So our dilemma. I really want Joey to have this opportunity, especially since I can’t see any other way we can afford piano lessons at the level he needs them, but am I willing to force him to do nothing but piano? He’s not excited about it and I’m just so disappointed because I wanted this to be a good fit for us. And it has me wondering how my other friends who are at the school can still be involved in Boy Scouts. I remember my friend telling me they’re really strict at first and then they can work with you, but she said you can only miss 2 lessons. That wouldn’t work with theatre. And by the time students are in their second year, they’re at the school three hours a week. Decisions, decisions!

My son could be anything he wants to be. He could be great at a lot of things. He already is. Is it fair to push him in a particular direction so he could be excellent? This school seems to think so.

What are your thoughts?

Growing up, I was the only person I knew who parents were divorced. It was hard. I felt alienated, though no one specifically alienated me. I felt left out and different, growing up with a weekend dad. I felt abandoned…

As I got older and started thinking about a family, divorce was never an option I would even entertain. I wouldn’t, couldn’t put my imaginary kids in the situation of having to be divided up every weekend and holiday. It really sucked (excuse my French) to be carted away every weekend and holiday and even as an adult having to split up my holidays between two parents. To this day, though I love my dad, he feels like a stranger to me.

But today things have changed. It seems divorce, remarriage and step-parents and step-kids are the norm. The friends of mine who are divorced, engaged or remarried say their kids have adjusted. That they’re fine. Fine? How can they be fine? Their world’s been ripped apart because of something totally outside of their control. Now I know there are extenuating circumstances where parents have to split, but though I don’t know the statics, most marriages break up today because one or both people just don’t want to struggle anymore. Forgive me if I sound a little touchy about the subject, but I believe many marriage break up because of selfishness!

Now before you go judging me for judging others, thinking “oh, that’s easy for you to say, you probably have the perfect marriage.” Well, it’s far from perfect. Remember I’m a product of divorce with a boat load of insecurities and abandonment issues. My marriage is far from peachy, I just don’t blog about it here much, so I’m confident in what I’m saying because I’m living the other side of this coin!

Back to my rant. Kids seem to accept divorce and remarriage better these days, but should they? Should parents who split up remarry so quickly (within a year or two) and if they do, should they do it before their kids are ready? Case in point, I have an acquaintance who never talked about her husband. I didn’t know him and since we were acquaintances didn’t think to ask much beyond how her kids were. She’s a great Christian homeschooling mom, but one day I learned she had a boyfriend. Didn’t even know her marriage split up. A couple of weeks later she’s engaged and her teen has made it very clear he’s rebelling because of it. But on went the wedding plans and the wedding and the problem with her teen. He refused to move in with his mom and new husband so he moved in with the dad who didn’t seem to be taking good care of him. So he’s back with the mom and seems to be heading down the wrong path… And I say to myself DUH! I saw that coming a mile away!

Then there’s our neighbors who have the kids every other week. Every other week? Imaging living your childhood one week at mom’s and the next week at dad’s. Childhood is tough enough, but sleeping in a different bed every other week? I once read a story where a divorced couple kept their home and they were the ones to leave every other week to an apartment. The kids got to stay in their home and the parents had the inconvenience of packing up their lives every other week! I say that’s how it should be done. Kids shouldn’t have to suffer because of their parent’s mistakes.

And don’t get me started on the Christian, homeschooling mom who left her family to “shack up” with some guy. Three beautiful lives ruined! Oh, I should say four. Her’s is not going so well now either. It just makes me angry!

Not sure where this post is going except, am I the only one that thinks parents should stay together even for the sake of this kids? Am I the only one who believes if you’re married, you shouldn’t take the easy way out, but hang in there till death do you part or he runs off and has an affair, which is biblical grounds for divorce? Am on the only one who thinks we dismiss marriage too easily thinking there’s someone out there better? And (candid moment here) am I the only one who sometimes gets envious of those divorced, remarried people who “finally found love” and seem to be so happy?

This subject is really touchy for me, so much that I thought “what would I do if someone close to me got divorced, then engaged, and invited me to the wedding?” Would I be able to go and be happy for them while I tough it out in my own marriage? I’m not sure. I think it would depend on the circumstances. I have another Christian friend whose husband left her, but a year later wanted to come back and she refused to let him. It angered me to hear about her wanting to date when there was still a chance at reconciliation. But I remained silent and said nothing. Would I be able to attend her wedding? I’m not sure.

Does this make me an awful friend? Maybe so. Is the problem more mine then theirs? Probably, but I just hate divorce so much and I know what it can do to people, to the kids. I don’t care how much parents rationalize and say the kids are fine. They’re not fine. They are FOREVER changed. Though witnessing and living in a horrible marriage forever changes a child as well. Sometimes I wonder which is better for the kids after all. But if two people stick it out, the kids might see their parent’s never gave up, stuck it out and worked through the hard times. And that’s the chance I’m willing to take. If only more people believed that maybe divorce wouldn’t have a face at all!

That’s PayPerPost!

I’m sorry, I can’t help myself and I hope I’m not boring the few readers I have left, but I’m making money for my writer’s conference and I get to choose what I want to blog about. I always throw myself into my post, but by the end I feel like I’m writing an ad, which I guess I am. But I do hope they’re entertaining at least!

Back to the addiction. I find myself scrolling through blog requests, looking for the most lucrative ones and then when I choose one I’m required to write it fairly quickly. That’s why the abundance of posts on some days. Like I said, I’m addicted to PPP and I see no cure in sight, at least for the couple of months.

Can you blame me though? I’ve earned over $150 in 2 months and this month. Like I said, getting paid to blog is addicting and since nothing significant is happening in my family, personal or writing life, what else do I have to blog about.

So there it is! I’m addicted to blogging. It’s 1:30 in the am and I’m going back to look for one more post. Just one more and I’ll quit.

Spoken like a true addict!

I’ve gotten past the weary in the waiting part after almost two weeks of the blahs (due to a rejection, what else) and just when I feel I can pick myself up off the floor and leave my pity party (and actually start writing again) I get slammed in the face with another issue.

Lack of support for my writing. (and the discussion of the value of writing conferences)

I don’t talk about it much or at all here, but I’m getting tired of justifying why I spend so much time writing (though it’s been considerably less over the years) and I’m tired of trying to convince family members this is not just a hobby but a career and life long dream that was birthed in me by God when I was about ten years old. I put my writing down for 10 years to raise kids and devote to my family, but it’s never been received well, especially because I went a little overboard when I first picked it up again. But God dealt with me on his own terms and I set writing aside for almost a year to reprioritize. My priorities aren’t always perfect, but my family is far from neglected!

I get tired of them not understanding why it’s important to go to writer’s conferences, and I get tired their silent mantra “show me the money!” (I’m using “their” as a generalization to protect the not so innocent!)

I’m not making money, therefore I’m not a real writer.

I’m not making money, therefore it’s just a hobby.

I’m not making money, therefore I should give it up and not spend so much time doing it.

I’ve never read a dedication page that said “Thanks to my wonderful family for questioning my writing career, nagging me about not making money and complaining about how much time I spend doing this thing that’s not making me any money!”

No, dedication pages are all about the support and understanding of these family members. Maybe that’s what makes a writer… the support they have to follow their dreams and the tenacity to never give up.

So, what do I do? Continue this battle, wage war silently and do what I can, putting writing further and further on the back burner or just turn off the gas all together? Don’t think I could live with that prospect, especially when it’s hasn’t come from the mouth of God. Or maybe this is the enemies way of defeating me… I’m almost there, but I also know I’m way to stubborn to be defeated. In fact, things like this make me fight harder and harder until I get what I want or keel over in exhaustion…which very well may happen.

Not sure what the answer is except prayer and lots of it!