Confession time! It’s getting harder and harder to rejoice with friends and fellow writers when they receive the “call,” that first book contract, or for that matter their ninth book contract! Years ago I couldn’t rejoice at all.  Jealously and longing for my own “news” was all I could see. Then God delivered me of that. Yes, it was God because it’s in my nature to covet, especially when it comes to something I’ve really been dreaming of for a long time, practically all my life.

But I gave my dream to God and trusted him to do what he would with my writing. Problem is, I’m weary and he doesn’t seem to be doing anything with my writing! I’m at the point where I’m feeling so numb and complacent in my writing journey that it’s torture to sit in front of the key board. But here I am 7 am and I’m asking what’s the point?

I asked God that question this morning. What’s the point of all this labor and torture? What’s the point of writing and editing and editing some more? Others seem to crank out a book and get it published on the spot, me, I toil and toil and nothing, nada, no fruit, not even a sprout.

So I asked God for a word. I opened the bible randomly to the Parable of the Talents where a farmer gave his worker money “talents” and the ones that multiplied the talent were given more. The one that hid it was admonished and thrown out! Okay, Lord! I’m trying to multiply my talents, but it ain’t working. So I figure I’d ask God for another word, half believing I’d get one and whalla! Psalm 45. No flipping through the Psalms to find one that applied to my situation. I turned straight to Psalm 45 and read verse one “My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verse for the King, my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.”

Whoa!  First of all, that’s the ACFW verse for the “Noble Theme” writer’s contest, now the Genesis! And Whoa, what’s God trying to tell me? That my writing should be for him and him alone, that I should be doing it for his glory and not worry about the rest? I wish I could. I wish I could. But it doesn’t seem to be enough to keep me writing past this current WIP. What’s the point of writing if no one ever reads my words? Some days it’s just too hard. Yet, I’ll keep toiling until I can’t any longer because my heart is stirred by a noble theme…

I’ve gotten past the weary in the waiting part after almost two weeks of the blahs (due to a rejection, what else) and just when I feel I can pick myself up off the floor and leave my pity party (and actually start writing again) I get slammed in the face with another issue.

Lack of support for my writing. (and the discussion of the value of writing conferences)

I don’t talk about it much or at all here, but I’m getting tired of justifying why I spend so much time writing (though it’s been considerably less over the years) and I’m tired of trying to convince family members this is not just a hobby but a career and life long dream that was birthed in me by God when I was about ten years old. I put my writing down for 10 years to raise kids and devote to my family, but it’s never been received well, especially because I went a little overboard when I first picked it up again. But God dealt with me on his own terms and I set writing aside for almost a year to reprioritize. My priorities aren’t always perfect, but my family is far from neglected!

I get tired of them not understanding why it’s important to go to writer’s conferences, and I get tired their silent mantra “show me the money!” (I’m using “their” as a generalization to protect the not so innocent!)

I’m not making money, therefore I’m not a real writer.

I’m not making money, therefore it’s just a hobby.

I’m not making money, therefore I should give it up and not spend so much time doing it.

I’ve never read a dedication page that said “Thanks to my wonderful family for questioning my writing career, nagging me about not making money and complaining about how much time I spend doing this thing that’s not making me any money!”

No, dedication pages are all about the support and understanding of these family members. Maybe that’s what makes a writer… the support they have to follow their dreams and the tenacity to never give up.

So, what do I do? Continue this battle, wage war silently and do what I can, putting writing further and further on the back burner or just turn off the gas all together? Don’t think I could live with that prospect, especially when it’s hasn’t come from the mouth of God. Or maybe this is the enemies way of defeating me… I’m almost there, but I also know I’m way to stubborn to be defeated. In fact, things like this make me fight harder and harder until I get what I want or keel over in exhaustion…which very well may happen.

Not sure what the answer is except prayer and lots of it!

Visit me at Seekerville today!

Seems like when I kick one addiction, another addiction pops up. For example, before I blogged I was an obsessive writer and critiquer until God told me to stop. So I did for a season and picked up blogging. It was a way to deal with not writing. Yeah, I know it doesn’t make sense, stop writing and start blogging, but it served a purpose and God got control of my writing.

Then I became an obsessive blogger. Recently I’ve lost the drive to blog only to have the drive shift to Twitter and Facebook status checking. Though I’d much rather be working on my WIP, the mindless surfing and status checking late at night has to stop! It’s robbing me of precious hours and precious sleep, so I’m declaring a Facebook fast and Twitter strike. At least until Christmas, so if you want to get a hold of me you’ll have to email. But I really need to limit my time checking email as well!

Wouldn’t it be great if I could kick the habit before the New Year? And maybe I’ll have completed my current WIP by then!

Twas two days after renovations and all through the house were wood floors and new carpet, no need to grouse.

All the rooms were picked up, all nice and clean, most everything was hidden and not seen.

When what to our frustrated ears do we hear, “You’ll never get the price you want, is that clear?”

At first we were rigid and oh so confused, we have so much square footage, a backyard you can cruise.

“Location, Location, Location’s the key.” We never understood before, but now,we see.

According to the rules and laws of the land, no matter how big, no matter how grand,

if we list our home way above any other, we cannot, will not get it, oh bother!

No matter how much other homes get per sq. foot, our hands are tied, way firm is the root.

Though our house is bigger, our yard is grand, we cannot, cannot go against the laws of the land!

Okay, my feeble attempt to have fun with a very frustrating situation. We’re all done with renovations. Wood floors look great. New carpet, clean and wonderful. We hoped to make our home look its best so we could get the best $$ per square foot which ranges from $65 – $80 for two stories, most two-stories selling on the low end, while one stories get higher $$ per sq. foot. Go figure!

So we’re hoping to get $75 -$79 a sq foot, and come to realize that it doesn’t matter how big our home is or how huge the back yard is compared to the rest of the neighborhood, we CANNOT (I’m talking, it would be illegal and buyers won’t get a bank to loan the money) go over the “selling cap” in the neighborhood!

Big time frustration. “So you mean my exact home, with the same yard three miles down the road would sell for $20,000 more just because of the location?” Yep.

“So, no matter how much more money I sink into the house, it doesn’t matter because I won’t get any more for it even it I put in granite counter tops.” Yep.

“And even though a one story across the street with an microscopic backyard went for $75 a sq. foot, my house can’t go for that much because it has more sq. footage and at that rate it would price us out of the neighborhood.” You got that right!

Well, I say that should be criminal!!!!

And ya think with my husband’s mom as a realtor we would have understood the concept BEFORE! Good thing we did the minimal amount of work (word floors were only $500 extra than carpeting the area and we did it ourselves!) So we’ve decided to go For Sale by Owner, to save on the realtors fees, but hubby informed me that buyers are going to WANT the savings factored in! Oy Vey! When will the robbery end! I’m hoping we can sell our home for a FAIR price and walk away. It’s been a great house for us, though its floor plan seems to be less desireable in the town we live in! Please pray the right buyers come along and fast! We close on the new/old house on September 15!

Found this written somewhere in my journal. Thought someone might be able to relate.

You see it all the time in books and movies, two kindred spirits. The deep intimate relationships between close friends that have seen each other at their best and worse, yet love and forgive each other anyway.

Subconciously, I think I’ve been searching all my life for this type of friendship. At times, I’ve tasted a little of what this relationship looks like, but inevitably things fall apart, close friends move away, or something happens in the friendship to put distance between us.

Looking back on my life and my lack of really close intimate friends, I’m beginning to wonder whether this type of relationship really exists, or if I’m just chasing a fairytale.

I’m beginning to wonder if it’s me who keeps driving these friends away.

It seems whenever I feel close enough to someone to really expose my heart, or safe enough in a relationship to bring up something that is standing between us (aka. bugging me) , it back fires. Instead of bringing us closer as friends, I somehow drive a wedge between us which is not my intention at all.

I’m starting to figure out that maybe I’m just too intense a person. Maybe even too needy. I’d rather deal with things that are bothering me in a relationship than just constantly gloss over them. I’m big on Grace and forgiveness in my relationships, but I don’t denying my feelings. I feel, forgive and go on. Once in a while I feel secure enough in a relationship to expose my heart and my true feelings. But maybe I’ve taken it a bit too far this time. Maybe some things aren’t meant to be shared or maybe my relationships are not as close as I thought them to be. At this point in my life, I’m clueless.

Whatever the case, the result is always the same. I seem to push people away instead of bringing us closer. I seem to bring hurt with my honest feelings, instead of healing. I seem to be harsh, when all I want to do is clear the air. I’ve been confronted on my “stuff” enough over the years. It hurts, but I get over it, learn, and move on. Should I expect others to do the same?

So what do you think? Do these relationships really exist? Should I just forget it and continue in the easy surfacy friendships that are fun and rewarding in their own ways?

If something is bothering me, should I just forgive and forget, even if it happens over and over again? Should I ignore my feelings, even if they get hurt and cause damage on my side of the relationship, and spare my friend’s feelings?

And last, do you desire this type of friendship and have you found it?

Sages of the internet, let your advice flow!

Never Say Diet by Chantel Hobbs

What they Say:

Chantel Hobbs, a mother of four, recounts her struggles with obesity, body image and health in Never Say Diet. Realizing that choosing to live well was one of the best gifts she could give her family, Chantel is so excited to encourage YOU this Mother’s Day to take the small but meaningful steps towards a healthier life. Ditch the diet! Buy some new skinny jeans! And don’t forget to read the five tips to get your family fit this spring.

What I Say: 

I’ve been exercising regularly for several years now, but with each birthday came a few extra pounds. I had to face facts. I was getting older and my metabolism was slowing down. No matter how much I exercised the scale fluctuated five pounds. I could never break the invisible barrier.  I guess part of me didn’t think I could unless I really cut back on my food. But my draw to food was still strong and I was still eating more calories than I seemed to be burning.

Then I got Never Say Diet in the mail. I thought, “what the heck, it really couldn’t hurt.” My heart was desperate to shed the last 20 or so of my baby weight, but my mind just gave up on it ever happening. When I started to read Chantel’s story of weighing over 300 lbs. and getting a healthy, lean, I started to get encouraged. Her no nonsense writing style was refreshing especially since it came from someone who was severely obese and not a skinny, size zero personal trainer. The one thing that Chantel said, that I had known, was that I needed to change my brain about food. I don’t know whether it was her book, or summer and not really feeling like cooking big meals, but I started to see a change in my appetite. I didn’t really feel like eating as much as I had been, plus I started increasing my workout intensity and I actually saw a drop in the scales.

I remember, before this book, telling my friend how it seemed to try and diet and that I really needed a gift from God. A gift of weight loss to get me motivated again. Well, it only took two pounds and I felt my hope rise. Maybe I can actually lose the weight!

Though this week has been wrought with one birthday party after the other, and I did indulge in cake and ice cream several times already, my normal meals have been less, and I’m sticking to what Chantel said to do. The first month of her commitment to get fit, she only concentrated on exercise and still ate the way she used to. So I’m still on track. I’ve been working out 20-30 everyday with increasing intensity and it feels good to sweat a little more than usual.

I’m not all the way through the book, but I’m excited to be on this journey in hopes and anticipation that I’ll never say diet again!

I think it’s time for a hair cut! My hair is all the way down to my waist and my hairdresser mom (who’s living with us while her hand heals) keeps bugging me about it. About three years ago I let it get this long and then I donated it to Locks of Love. It looked like this several months after I cut it! I’m not wanting to go that short again.

When it started growing again, I thought I would do it again. Well, I think it’s long enough to donate. What do you think?

I’d like your help picking a new hairdo! My hair has pretty much looked the same all of my life because I don’t blow it straight! So keep that in mind when you send your suggestions via a link to a photo on the web. Sorry, there’s no prize for this contest and there’s a chance I may not even pick a winner from your suggestions, I just thought it would be fun! And please don’t stare too long at the lousy photo below!

This past weekend we took the kids and my mom to the local circus. It’s always a thrill to sit in the big arena and watch all the animal, dare devil and acrobatic acts. Though while my eyes flitted from ring to ring trying to soak it all in I noticed my little girl was more interested in finding the cotton candy man.

During some of the acts, especially they extremely long animal acts, I found my mind wandering to book plots and titles. I can up with two cozy mysteries. One taking place in a circus! I guess only time will tell if they will ever come into being

But it wasn’t until later, when I got home that I began to see my life was like a three ring circus, and I’m trying to perform in all three!

There’s the ring of parenting, writing and faith and throw in my renewed effort to really work on being the best wife I could be!

I’m certainly not the main attraction in any of these arenas. In fact, often times I feel more like the lion tamer fighting off parenting problems, writing interruption and faith distractions. But still I’m on stage, putzing along, doing my best and hoping that maybe just maybe one day I’ll get it right!

Okay, this analogy is really hurting and I guess it’s a testimony to how tired and scattered I am. But you get the meaning of this post. Maybe one day I’ll be able to write a really good post about my life as a three ring circus. Until then, I’ll keep jumping from ring to ring!

If you’ve been following my blog these last few weeks you already know I’ve been feeling a little stressed out and over committed. Simplify by Paul Borthwick was just what I needed. And God knew it even before I agreed to participate in this book review.

Everything about this book is simple. The cover, the easy to read content, the helpful ideas and bullet points. Reading it evokes a sense of calm. The author has divided the book into categories such as Discerning Want Versus Need, How Do We Spend Our Leisure Time, etc. and after a brief explanation, he breaks the chapter down into easy to follow suggestions on how to simplify that area of your life.

What I love about the book is that it doesn’t expect me follow all the suggestions, (and thank goodness since there are 106 of them!) but breaks them down into categories and smaller suggestions so that you feel you might be able to conquer several in each chapter and obtain the simplicity you’re desiring. What’s also neat is to go through the list and say, “Yeah, I’m doing that!” I plan to highlight the sections I’m already doing and try to add to it to further simplify my life

Here’s a little preview of the content:

#3 Resist Temptation

An article in a local paper described customers at a local “bargain” store as “People Shopping for Things to Need.” Stay away from shopping centers or malls except when you have a specific purchase in mind. Don’t surf the Internet gazing at all the stuff for sale on eBay or at the website of your favorite clothing, technology, music or DVD store. Window-shopping in all forms induces buying. That’s why professionals spend so much time decorating the windows, jazzing up their websites, and bombarding your Christmas mail with catalogs.

#20 Give it Away

Go through your house looking for things you consider useless that could help someone less fortunate.

Go through the closet and give away clothes you have not worn in a long time or may never wear again.

Donate useful (but unused) furnishings and appliances cluttering your attic and basement. From thrift store revenues, the Salvation Army funds many of its urban outreaches to the poor or alcohol-dependent.

Take the family to serve a holiday meal at a soup kitchen. It builds thankfulness, teaches you and your children to serve without reciprocation, and suppresses those self-indulgent tendencies that surface during the holidays.

#36 Exercise with Someone

If I exercise alone watching an aerobics instructor on TV, I am more inclined to be lazy (or even grab a snack while exercising). On the other hand, if my wife and I exercise together, there is accountability and less of a tendency to cheat (see Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

#50 Take a Rest with God

Meditate on the Psalms, or examine texts like Matthew 11:28-30. It will bring your perspective in line with God’s.

We live in a culture that says, “He who dies with the most toys wins.” Distinctly biblical concepts like contentment (Philippians 4:11) or freedom from the love of money (1 Timothy 6:6-10) remind us that biblical leisure is a time for refreshing and recreation, renewing and resting our body and soul.

#100 Do the Hardest Tasks First

Put those dreaded tasks at the top of your “to do” list and take care of them first. Procrastinating only makes them seem harder and keep them on your list for weeks.

Whether it is paying the bills, going to the dentist, or calling Aunt Mabel, do yourself a favor by tackling the tough assignments first.

Convinced you need this book? Great! I’ve made it simple for you to get your own copy! Go here to order yours!

It seems that I’ve been so busy doing…(field trips, shopping, baking, blogging, laundry, cooking) that there hasn’t been much time to enjoy my family. There’s always something that needs to be done and being the choleric that I am, I usually make time to do it.

Some of the things I do are really good. Like my daily exercising which I’ve been consistent at for months. (Which is a good thing after all the cookies I ate while baking!) But some of the things I do can be postponed, shortened or eliminated. Hopefully during Christmas break I’ll be able to get back on track, prioritize my day better and spend more of the fun times with Grace and the boys.

I really do miss being the fun mom!

UPDATE:

I have this really great schedule over Christmas break that gives plenty of time for playing with my kids, but alas I got my Zune Mp3 player in the mail (a belated b-day present to me) and I’ve spent HOURS trying to figure out how to download my writing conference Mp3 cds to my computer and then to the Zune! After giving up on their instructions, I just used logic and I’m in the process of uploading/downloading/whatever to the Zune now. The kids are way past their video game limit but I’m afraid if I quit now I might forget how to do it!!!!

I want my first published novel to be amazing. Something worthy of one of those medals they put on the front of the really good books. I don’t want it to be something I cranked out that fits into a publishable mold.

Reality check! If that’s the case I’ll probably be fifty before I’m published!

Unfortunately, I think my first novel won’t be anything spectacular which is probably not such a bad idea. Think about it, if you have an amazing first book, everything else has to be better. What if it isn’t?

So if I start of with a run of the mill (albeit Gina-style novel) should I really look down on myself? If it’s just good, then there’s a whole lot of room for improvement.

The one thing I know that is standing in the way of that amazing novel is the voices outside of my head squelching my inner voice. I’m learning there’s a fine line between voice and bad writing. I’m trying to figure out where that line is.

But until then, I will try and craft the best story I can, now! If it sells, great! If it’s not great, I’ll live to writer another day.

Still a part of me dreams of writing that amazing, heart tugging story that just makes the reader sigh at the end and think about it for days!

Maybe someday!

It’s the night before I leave for ACFW, and I’m starting to doubt this whole writing thing. Maybe I wasn’t meant for publication, at least not the mass market fiction I’ve been reading lots of in the CBA.

For one, I don’t read romance, and I don’t really want to write it. But I keep hearing my WIP needs to conform if I want someone to buy it. I’m all about learning and growing as a writer, but I don’t want to compromise what I believe and feel, just to be published. I don’t want to sell out, so to speak. I don’t read romance, so I surely don’t want to write it.

When someone tells me they don’t like that my character did something immoral or dishonest, or kissed someone that’s not her husband, I can’t see the big deal. The person is NOT a Christian, for crying out loud, and I believe I gave that person enough baggage and motivation to do just what she did, but it turns some people off. Maybe they’re not may target reader. But then who is? People who don’t buy CBA fiction? Then I start thinking, is an editor or agent willing to take a chance on me because I stray from the well beaten path just a little? I don’t think so. I think publishing has a double standard. They say they want something different, but are they willing to take a chance on it?

To be honest, in the last six months I’ve only read one story I really loved and it was a YA novel, really out of the box with a character not very likable, but I felt he was relateable. Despite the fact that I didn’t like what he did, I loved the book! I LOVED IT!

So all that to say, I’m having really serious doubts and lack of energy right now to do what it takes to get published in the CBA. Like I said, I’m not afraid of rejection, and hard work, etc. It’s just being someone I’m not, or writing something I don’t want to write that bums me.

Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe I haven’t found my genre yet, who knows? I’m just not sure anymore!

What do you think?

Chris has always been a gifted singer. At an early age, I noticed he had a gift for singing and enrolled him in Kindermusik. His pitch and tone amazed me, especially since I can’t sing and always wanted to.

At the age of 6 he would mimic the Lion King’s “I just can’t wait to be King” song and sang it beautifully. He would often get complimented and offered solo parts at school.

I signed him up every year for musical theatre classes until he started to grow tired of the long and boring practices. Singing was no longer fun, so I didn’t push him to take classes

Chris has always been a reluctant singer. He sings when he wants to and he doesn’t ever want to be put on the spot. Whenever I ask him to sing for someone, he never does.

He’s been in several play and musicals, and enjoyed the performances, but not the rehearsals.
The most recent recital he did was High School Musical. His teacher (a former Broadway performer) said Chris had the talent to go all the way to Broadway if he wanted to. He just needed the desire.

A there in lies my problem. I have a talented son, who’s been gifted by God with a voice that brings tears to my eyes, but he doesn’t want to use his gift.

There’s a local community production of High School Musical coming up and I want him to audition. He’s doesn’t. “I’m not really interested in plays that much any more,” he said. To be honest, the only thing he’s interested in these days is video games.

So what do I do? Do I push him to audition, and become one of those annoying stage moms? Or do I let him hide his  gift under a bushel until it’s snuffed out?

There are not many opportunities in our town for musicals for boys his age. This production of High School Musical is one of them where he could possibly get the lead.

A part of me knows to let it go, but another part of me knows my son and if it resembles anything like work, he wants no part of it. I try and tell him that sometimes you have to take the parts you don’t love, to one day get the parts you do.

I’m just saddened by his lack of interest in using his incredible talent. It won’t be long before his voice starts to change, and I’m afraid if he doesn’t sing through the change he might lose his gift.

Does anyone else have a child reluctant to use his/her gift? If so, how do you handle it?

Email addiction!

Lots of people have it. If you don’t, you’re probably in denial!

I really didn’t miss checking my email twenty bazillion times a day when I was on vacation. So what is the urgency to check it every five seconds? Okay, I’m exaggerating, but I think you get what I’m saying.

Is it need for validation? To know that someone is thinking of me?

Is it a need to solve someone else’s problems or requests? To Get R Done, so to speak?

Or is it just procrastination?

Like Michael Hyatt (and almost everyone else with email) I check my email first thing in the morning, then throughout the day and last thing before I go to bed. During the school year I resolved not to go on line BEFOR lunch. On the times I did this my day was very productive. I need to do it again!

If you want more time in your day check out this link! It just might help!

http://www.michaelhyatt.com/fromwhereisit/2007/06/breaking_email_.html

Do you ever feel like the Winter Warlock in Santa Claus is coming to town? The one who is all grouchy and scary on the outside, but deep down he has a heart of gold.

He masks his pain with a frozen layer of ice and snow, and reeks havoc on those around him.

Yet it’s interesting to see that the one thing that melts his heart of ice is a gift. It’s not just the material gift that does the trick, but the the caring that begins the melt down process.

Someone actually took the time to love the Winter Warlock despite his ugly, cruel outward appearance.

Over the past several years, I’ve felt like the Winter Warlock. Grouchy and mean with a heart of ice toward my family on more occasions than I care to admit. I think moms are more susceptible to the “Winter Warlock Syndrome.”

We give of ourselves on a daily basis over YEARS, without much appreciation and gratitude from those we serve. At least that’s how it is for me. And who wouldn’t get grouchy without a little pat on the back every once and a while.

But like the Winter Warlock, the layer of ice which hides our soft maternal layer, can be melted away. Sometimes it’s an unexpected hug from a child, or a surprise dinner out. Those things are wonderful, but soon after they’re over and things return to normal, the melted ice can refreeze. So how did the Winter Warlock do it?

He put one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. One day at a time.

And so will I with the help on the Jesus, whose given me the best gift of all and the best example of how to live my life!

Tonight I went to see Broadway’s Don Quixote. Though I vaguely knew the story of the crazed man who fought windmills, I didn’t know God would use this story to speak to my heart. Filled with interesting and wreched characters (which completely contrast with Don Quixote’s virtues of honor, love and valiancy), the story took me to a place I didn’t expect to go.

The harsh character of Aldonza, a self-proclaimed whore, touched my heart. She wore her pain and self-hate on her sleeve, her heart hardened to everyone including herself. At first she made fun of Don Quixote, like the others. His vision of her as Dulcinea, the virtuous virgin, perplexed her, but also intrigued her. She couldn’t stay away from him. Why couldn’t Don Quixote see her for who she really was, a wretched whore born on a dung heap and would die on a dung heap?

Yet, he insisted she was Dulcinea, the most beautiful and virtous woman he’d ever met. His lady, the one he’d fight for on his quests.That’s when it hit me. I’m Aldonza, a wretched sinner in the eyes of everyone except my Don Quixote. My God.

Aldonza couldn’t accept Don Quixote’s vision of her. But when things got bad enough, when she had enough of Aldonza, she sought out Don Quixote and wanted to be his Dulcinea. She needed to be his Dulcinea.

We’re all Dulcinea’s in the eyes of God, but like Aldonza we can’t see it and those around us can’t see it also. Yet, someone saw past her sin to the person she was really meant to be. Dulcinea.

How I wish someone here on earth would see the Dulcinea in me, but mostly they see Aldonza. Yet, I can’t let that stop me from believing I am who God made me to be.

I am Dulcinea.

God’s beloved.

His lady!

Why are the things meant to be fun, like a field trip to the zoo, always a struggle? The idea was simple. Go to the zoo. Bring our nature journals and write a few things about the different buildings.

It’d be an easy school day. Right?

Not with my kids. I can’t remember how it all started but my 12 year-old wasn’t excited about the zoo. When I offered to drop him off at his dad’s office to do school work he got real interested in going to the zoo. But by then he had already complained about breakfast (after he got up late, and didn’t brush his teeth or make his bed) and then he proceeded to boss his sister around.

By lunch I had taken away and given back his privilege to go to the zoo several times. (Yeah, I know lousy parenting! But this weekend I took all his toys away and he really seemed to get the idea that he didn’t have to earn fun! So I wanted to give him a second chance to change his behavior.)

Then in the car he (along with his 9 year old brother) feels the need to verbally tear down his younger brother. I then give said brother the opportunity to let the two of them go to the zoo or not. The older boys apologize and younger brother says they could go.

You’d think that would be the end of the trouble. Wrong! 12 year-old whines about not knowing what to write at the first zoo building (his 9 year-old brother has no problem following instructions, by the way) and my 4 year-old runs wild throughout the building.

SIGH! We manage to get through four more buildings with a little more ease, though chasing Grace is still the high point (or should I say low point) of the adventure. A little more struggle with the writing assignments, and we’re finally through the homeschool portion of the zoo visit.

I loosen up, and let them run from exhibit to exhibit. We play at the park, and things go smoothly for while (except for wrestling Grace out of the alligator pit, kidding!) until the very end when I’m tired and exhausted from giving instruction after instruction. “Come here. Let’s go. Don’t do that. Yada, Yada, Yada.” And it’s mostly directed to two of the four (can you guess which two?)

So we’re in the last building and I’m getting ready to leave when I call to them several times, but they are still chattering away, NOT LISTENING, being loud and excited. So I decide to leave the building, sure that they will soon follow. Well, they didn’t. Not right away, anyway. I went back in and met them in the doorway.

When they finally figured out I was gone, Grace refused to come with them and thankfully my 12 year-old had the sense not to leave her. Tired and frustrated, I said we’re going straight home when I had fully intended to ride the zoo train back to the entrance! Instead we walked.

On the way back to the car, 12 year-old decides to parent his younger sister a few more times, driving me totally up the wall, but I kept my cool and told him he better be a cop when he grows up because he loves to tell people what to do.

So here’s my question to all you parenting gurus! What’s wrong with this picture? With my kids? Am I the only one who finds it hard to enjoy my kids especially on field trips? Am I too uptight? (Okay, I know the answer to that question already.)

I know what’s wrong with me, and I’m working on it. Yes, I’m a little too choleric (Get ‘er DONE) and melancholy (Get ‘er done RIGHT) for my kids’ own good, but why can’t they WALK nicely like other kids I see. Why can’t they do as they’re told the first time like some kids? And why can’t they talk with an inside voice when they’re INSIDE!

And here’s the million dollar question…why has my 12 year-old been fighting for control ever since he could walk and talk? I hate to say it, but it’s days like these it’s hard to like my kids, let alone tolerate them.

The biggest quandry of them all…why did God feel I could handle three high-spirited kids. ‘Cause I can’t!

So maybe this isn’t about them, but about me. Maybe I have them because I need them so God can do a work in me. Well, if that’s the case I’m not getting the big picture here because things aren’t getting better. I’m trying to learn how to parent these kids, but maybe I’m too dense. Maybe there’s too many of them! Who knows! All I know is that I’m feeling more and more comfortable with sending them somewhere to school next year. It might be just what our stressed out relationships need!

Sorry, but all you moms who spin a happy, funny tale out of days like these, I don’t get it! What am I missing?

reprinted 2006

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I used to sit in church and pray that God would just “zap” me and make me the person I really want to be. But after thirty plus years I’m learning that God doesn’t work that way – for most of us.

For years I’ve struggled with certain things, personality flaws so to speak. I’ve blamed it on my Italian New York upbringing, my parents divorce, the critical people in my life, etc. While that may be part of who I am, it’s not the whole me and I don’t have to continue to be the person of my youth.

I’m learning that just because I read a parenting book or go through a 12 week Bible study, doesn’t mean at the end I will be miraculously transformed. I can’t begin to tell you how many books I’ve read on the same subject and I still struggle with the same things.

…be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Renewing. I guess I could break out all the concordances and go back to the original Hebrew or Greek to find out the origin of this word, but to me it means continual. I need to feed my mind continually so my heart will be bathed in the truth and love of Jesus Christ. Reading a book on parenting isn’t going to change me. But when I continue to read books, meditate on scripture and pay attention in church, then my mind will be renewed on a continual basis. Then I will be able to stand against the enemy as he throws his fiery darts my way.

Do I still wish God would just “zap” me and end all my struggles? Sure. But I don’t pray for it as much as I did before. I don’t except to be miraculous transformed, instead I continue to renew my mind and one day “when He appears, we (I) shall be like Him, for we (I) shall see Him as He is. (1 John 3:2)

That worships song about “getting back to the heart of Worship” keeps playing through my mind on the first day of this new year! I know my focus on this blog has strayed over the months, mainly because of trying to make it something it’s not supposed to be and gain the appoval of man. So with the new year comes new hopes and dreams nicely packaged as resolutions.

I haven’t figured them all out yet, but for one, this blog will get back to the heart of what God wants me to write about. Encouraging other writing moms (and dads if you’re readers). So there’ll be less Memes, less WFMWs, less striving to please.

But there will be more inteviews with writing moms, (Lisa Samson and Susan May Warren top the list in the new year), more about my writing and faith journey, more about family, and more about life as I see it. More truth, more struggles, more failures, more triumphs, more victories in every area of my life. So if you’ve been with me for any amount of time, thank you, thank you, thank you. Your comments have encouraged me to keep going down the road God has called me.

There’ll be a change coming in blog address and design, but the heart and content of this blog will remain the same. I hope you’ll follow me, but most important I hope you’ll follow Jesus.

I’m getting back to the heart of blogging. What about you?