It’s the night before I leave for ACFW, and I’m starting to doubt this whole writing thing. Maybe I wasn’t meant for publication, at least not the mass market fiction I’ve been reading lots of in the CBA.

For one, I don’t read romance, and I don’t really want to write it. But I keep hearing my WIP needs to conform if I want someone to buy it. I’m all about learning and growing as a writer, but I don’t want to compromise what I believe and feel, just to be published. I don’t want to sell out, so to speak. I don’t read romance, so I surely don’t want to write it.

When someone tells me they don’t like that my character did something immoral or dishonest, or kissed someone that’s not her husband, I can’t see the big deal. The person is NOT a Christian, for crying out loud, and I believe I gave that person enough baggage and motivation to do just what she did, but it turns some people off. Maybe they’re not may target reader. But then who is? People who don’t buy CBA fiction? Then I start thinking, is an editor or agent willing to take a chance on me because I stray from the well beaten path just a little? I don’t think so. I think publishing has a double standard. They say they want something different, but are they willing to take a chance on it?

To be honest, in the last six months I’ve only read one story I really loved and it was a YA novel, really out of the box with a character not very likable, but I felt he was relateable. Despite the fact that I didn’t like what he did, I loved the book! I LOVED IT!

So all that to say, I’m having really serious doubts and lack of energy right now to do what it takes to get published in the CBA. Like I said, I’m not afraid of rejection, and hard work, etc. It’s just being someone I’m not, or writing something I don’t want to write that bums me.

Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe I haven’t found my genre yet, who knows? I’m just not sure anymore!

What do you think?

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 Do you remember that I LOVE LUCY episode where Lucy feels like she hasn’t a friend in the world? I can’t remember what caused her to feel this way, probably a spat with Ethel, but I can see it so cleary. Lucy slumped on a park bench, feeling sorry for herself. Then someone comes a long. Talks about being friendless. Lucy can relate. She gets excited. There’s a big drum beating, and lots of people singing, “We are friends of the friendless, yes we are, yes we are…and we travel near and far…” Lucy realized she wasn’t friendless anymore, and though I can’t remember how it ended, Lucy and Ethel reconciled.

I’m feeling a little bit like Lucy…like there’s growing distance between me and my real life friend.

It’s sad to say, but I don’t really have many close real life friends. Since we switched churches a couple years ago, the women in my community group never see each other any more. I thought I had a couple of good friends in that group but life gets busy, and they’re farther away in distance and friendship. I’ve made a couple of attempts over the years, calling to go out or get the boys together, but it gets very tiresome having to do all the work and never have anyone call you to plan something or go out.

It was like that in high school. I was the planner, the one who rallied my friends together and they all took part in what I had planned, but did anyone ever plan anything and invite me? Rarely. And it gets tiresome and lonely to live life this way. I know it’s in my personality to be the leader, but even leaders need to follow sometimes. Leaders need to know that they’re wanted and matter.

I’ve grown close to my real life friend over the last year especially since we were homeschooling together. Two years ago her son was in school, and I homeschooled. Next year she’s homeschooling, and my boys will be in school. I sense a drifting apart especially this summer. She’s been super busy with moving into a new house, and endless visitors and fires to put out this summer, and we’ve been gone half the summer on vacation, but I feel neglected, and I don’t want to become bitter over it.

Several times this summer we’ve planned to do something and then last minute she’s canceled, many times without an explanation. I love my friend dearly. I know this is part of her personality, and in her laid-back mind it probably wasn’t a plan, but it just makes me feel unimportant and rejected. She’s obviously making time for others, why not me?

Maybe it’s because she attracts those people in crisis. They just flock to her door, pushing out room for me because she can’t say no to their needs. Maybe it’s because she’s secure in our friendship and knows I’ll always be there. Which I will be. Maybe she doesn’t know how deeply hurt I feel everytime there’s a reason for her not being able to get together.

I know in the grand scheme of things this is really silly to fret over, but it seems to be the recoccuring theme of my life. I’m really tired of this rerun. Sure, Jesus will always be there for me, maybe that’s what this is about. To draw me closer to Him. Which would not be such a bad thing.

Still, there’s nothing like a fresh and blood friend!

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A few weeks ago I wrote an email to my dad sharing my real feelings about certain promises he’s made and never followed through with recently and over the years. The story is long, and I won’t bore you with the details, but I will say that my father left our family when I was 6, was a loving weekend dad, but someone I really didn’t get to know.

After writing this very honest and candid email, we spoke on the phone, and he revealed to me that he finally admitted he was an alcoholic. I was a little shocked because I never really new it or saw it, but the good news is that he’s acknowledged this and is working the program. My email came at a great time because it got things out in the open and tied in with what God is already doing in his heart. So things are good and getting better.

I’ve always thought I’d let go of my bitterness, but sometimes old hurts sneak up on you and you have know way of controlling them. I don’t know what I need from my dad, only God does. So I guess I’ll leave it up to Him to work the rest out.

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Well, it’s a half-truth, (my kids and I have been studying when Abram told a half-truth to the pharaoh of Egypt saying Sarai was his sister which was true, but she also was his wife.) We had a great little discussion on whether a half-truth is REALLY a lie, and if we speak against the truth are we speaking against Jesus who is the way, the truth, and the life?

But that’s not the reason for this post. Though I’ve received many, many rejections in my writing life, this month I had to GIVE my first rejection. I never thought I’d have to sit down and write on of those emails that start like this…

Thank you for your submission, unfortunately it doesn’t meet the criteria for our writer’s guidelines…

Have you figured out what I’m talking about yet? It’s a rejection letter for the Carnival of Christian Writers. While many people sent in wonderful and thoughtful posts, they were not about writing, the craft of writing or the struggle with writing, etc.

So you still have a chance to submit.  Only five more days until our very first Carnival of Christian Writers!

And don’t worry, if you stick to the guidelines, chances are you WON’T get a rejection letter…from me!

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As I sit here trying to put the finishing touches on my one sheets and sample chapters I am filled with an overwhelming doubt in my call and abilities as a writer.

What brought this on? Well, besides the scramble and the stress and pressure to make everything perfect, I realized that the momlit I’m brainstorming may not really be a momlit, but women’s fiction. So I’m confused as to how to present this WIP at the conference.

And then there’s the everyday reminder of how many awesome writers there are in the blogosphere. Other blogs have hundreds of subscribers and comments. Their storytelling far surpasses mine in the arena of humor, while mine tends to be on the heavy side, and that’s when I question myself.

Should I be going to this conference at all?
Will I make a fool of myself thinking I can write?
Will editors roll their eyes and chuckle behind my back after they read my stuff?
Am I even prepared to talk with an editor or agent after 6 months of not writing?
Am I fooling myself into thinking that just because I like what I write others will also?

So many doubts all of a sudden rising seemingly out of nowhere. I’ve always had confidence in my call and my ability to write. I don’t think I’m doubting that. But I guess I’m doubting whether I’m good enough to stand out in the crowd of all the great writers at the conference and here on the web.

I know God is not interested in the numbers. And it is up to Him to promote my writing. All I have to do is be obedient to the call and write. Whether He uses me to touch one or one hundred, it really shouldn’t matter. Either way I God will be glorified.

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I’m really trying to get my priorities in order, and I’m doing better. Writing doesn’t consume my time. The only writing I seem to be doing now-a-days is on this blog, and it’s mostly reflective of what God’s been showing me. I know in my heart that that’s part of the plan, the process to whatever God’s trying to show me.

In my heart of hearts (or maybe hopes of hopes) I don’t think the purpose of this journey is to give up my writing. I feel it’s to have me completely rely on Him to be my agent and promoter. So even though I am sad about the agent’s rejection, I’m not discouraged. In fact, I’m even more determined to persevere.

This experience reminds me of an old sales jingle I used to tell myself in college when I sold books door to door. “I will persist until I succeed and when I succeed I will over achieve. Only then will I rest because I know I have done my best.”

Sales is a numbers game. Sometimes I’d have to knock on 30 doors just to hear one “yes.” Sounds discouraging, doesn’t it. And it was. The only thing (besides my heart to hearts with Jesus) that kept me going was knowing that if I did what “they” told me and persisted, I’d find that “yes.” And when I found that “yes” all the rejections of the past faded away.

I hated sales, but I was good at it because I followed those simple principles and encouraged myself. I won awards and was top in my organization all because I didn’t give up no matter how tough it got. So now I’m pulling from that experience.

I’m not discouraged about my latest rejection, just disappointed. When it comes to my WIP, there are not many more publishing house doors I can knock on. Many of them have said “no” already. But there are a few more, and I still have a lot more “product” to sell in the form of other WIPs. So I guess I will persist until I succeed!

**I just looked at the scripture in the side bar and it said this…“ being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ” (Philippians 1:6)

Now that’s an encouraging word!

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I used to like getting mail. As child I’d wait by the window for the mailman to come in hopes of getting a letter from the half a dozen pen pals I had. I’d listen to my mom’s old 45 record as I bopped to the fifties style music and I sang along to the words…sitting by the window, feeling sad and blue. All because I haven’t heard from you. And then my momma said, “Look. Look. Here comes the postman twisting down the avenue. He’s got a letter in his hands and I know it’s got to be for you…

Yes, I used to love getting mail. That was before I started to see those big manila envelopes in my mailbox with the SASE I put on them! Not a good sign. Any writer will know what I mean when I say bad news comes in the mail. And for all you non writers out there I’ll translate the meaning…REJECTION.

Remember how I’ve been hanging on to that last bit of hope that maybe writing again was just around the corner. I bet the farm, put it all on two things. My Genesis contest entry and my agent submission. Well, the Genesis contest was a complete disappointment and shock when I didn’t final especially when there weren’t too many entrants. Maybe God’s trying to teach me humility. If so, I guess He’s on track.

The second disappointment came today in the mail. I’d been hoping on the last thing I had in the works. My submission to an agent.

The rejection letter was short and to the point, but if I dig deep I can find some encouragement:

Your story was gripping, exciting, and gritty. Unfortunately, I’ve just taken on a number of new clients and am not, therefore in a position to add others. I do wish you the very best in your publishing venture and apologize for not contacting you sooner.

So is that a flashing red light? I’m not so sure anymore. I’m just so confused right now. My heart and mind is torn in two. On one hand, I hear sermons all the time telling me to use my gift and then on the other hand, I want to be obedient to God’s will and the “signs” he’s giving me. But I’m not sure about anything anymore.

Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

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A large manila envelope rests on my cluttered desk. On the envelope lies a computer CD, a recipe I got off the internet, a preschool directory, a Civil War reenactment brochure, and my latest cozy mystery brainstorm. I have starred at it for weeks, not sure if I should re-open it. You see, I know what’s inside. I browsed my Genesis contest scores and skimmed over the comments. I think I’ve memorized the scores.

92, 76 and 49. Talk about all across the board.

The 49er had lots to say, though I wonder if the person ever read suspense before.

To my disappoint middle of the road, 76er left no comments. What a bummer, a jip, a waste! I want to know how I can improve. But with middle man or most likely woman, I’ll never know.

Then there’s good old 92er! Gotta love her. She gave me top score for my dialogue which greatly contrasts 49ers lowest score for dialogue. Go figure. Guess contests are really all relative.

But this is the WIP that caused my obsession. The very WIP I had to lay aside for a season. Do I dare pick it up again? Do I submerge myself back into my main character. I really hate to leave him hanging, and I so hate to leave the WIP 1/2 finished. I’d rather it be awful and finished than hanging in limbo. That digital photo commercial comes to mind. The one where the people inside the photos inside the digital camera are begging to be developed. Sometimes that’s how I think my characters must feel.

Part of me feels like a quitter, a failure for not finishing. Another part of me feels like a hypocrite for writing on this blog. Still another part loves being free to pull away from the computer to be with my kids more. Gee, didn’t know I had multiple personalities!

So what’s this all about? I haven’t got a clue. But it makes me feel better talking about it. Now to bring it all home.

Anyone else out there have the same manila envelope sitting on their desk. Better yet, can you beat my crazy scores?

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Today the finalists to the ACFW Genesis contest were announced. I wasn’t among them. Secretly I had been hoping and wishing I were, so that it would be one sign from God that I could pick up the pen again, so to speak. I guess either my entry didn’t hold up to the competition or God was holding firm to His original plan. I don’t know which I would rather believe, knowing I stink as a writer or knowing God doesn’t want me to write.

Doesn’t really matter either way, the result is the same…I still can’t pick up my WIP.

I’m feeling my loss of writing so tremendously right now. Before this contest business, I had a sort of peace about not writing. But now my desires are being stirred again, not to mention that ugly green monster has reared its head.

I don’t know if I should just quit all this hope of writing again to spare myself the pain, or struggle through it.

A wise friend (who finaled) wrote me and said, “So, what I’m trying to say is that you really need to completely give it to God. Pray for peace in your current situation. And when you finally reach that peaceful place (and if you’re faithful to Him and honest with yourself) then you’ll either a) be at peace with His plan for you, or b) He will bless you with an opportunity to write again.

But you REALLY have to let it go and trust in Him. You mentioned His “original plan” for you. My friend, His plans for you have never changed, they are just different than you thought they were. “

So have I fully given it to God? I thought so, but now I’m not sure. Bible stories keep coming to mind, like the image I had of Abraham putting his child on the altar when I gave up my WIP. Now I have thoughts of King Saul when he spared the life of the enemy king and kept the best animals to sacrifice to God. The prophet Samuel told Saul, “obedience is better than sacrifice.” Saul shouldn’t have held back from God even though he wanted to offer a sacrifice to God.

Am I still holding something back from God?

Then I have images of Aaron building the golden cafe when Moses went up to the mountain. Have I fashioned a golden cafe in the form of this blog?

So many questions, so few tears left to cry, and still I’m not any closer to my answers.

Thank God for the comforting words from wise friends:

“My heart cries with you. Nothing is worse than laying our dreams on the altar and waiting to see if God will kill them or give them back to us.”

“Don’t give up your writing. Just put it on hold for a time. Until you hear God telling you it’s time again.”

“There’s a reason you’re missing on this list. The important one. The Sovereign Lord said, “I have a different plan in mind for you. Trust Me. You’re going to love it. Sure, maybe not right away. But when all the details unfold, Your disappointment will turn to gratitude. I’ll wait. Will you?”

I’ve been waiting over twenty years. What’s a few more in the scheme of things? Yes, Lord. I’ll wait. Just give me Your peace as I do.

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