No Flashing Green Neon lights, Yet

I’m struggling with deciphering God’s specifics about me “not writing.” My biggest struggle with writing had been making my Work In Progress (WIP) an obsession. Sometimes it seemed to have a life of its own, calling me, controlling me, and making me push aside the really important things in my life like homeschooling and family. So I knew without a doubt that setting aside my WIP was what God meant by “not writing.”

But what about this blog, visiting the ACFW website, offering an occasional critique to my fellow writers, or attending a writer’s group where writing or at least brainstorming is involved?

I know some of my homeschool friends would think I should give up writing for this season of homeschooling. But I also know that so many moms who homeschool also have successful writing careers, so why can’t I do the same?

I’m not sure what God wants. I don’t think he wants me to hang up my computer for this entire season of homeschooling. That would be too cruel, unless He totally changed my heart. I know it’s not impossible to change my heart (though to do so would be miraculous), but then He’d have to change who He made me to be. And I can’t see Him doing that.

I do know that pulling away from writing has made me more relaxed and at peace (except when I hear how my fellow writers are progressing on their WIPs and the impatient monster raises its head.) But for the most part I’m not anxious to write like I was before. The best way I can describe it is like a drug addict needing a fix. Now I’ve never been a drug addict, but that longing and craving to write had control of me. Since I’ve given that up, the desire doesn’t have a hold of me. I feel in control of it. Now I just need to know what to do with this control.

I’m afraid to dabble in the writing arena for fear of falling off the wagon, so to speak. Last month when I attended a writer’s meeting right after God dropped the “quit writing” bomb (see very first post for more details), I felt my creative juices stirring and it was too depressing for me not to be able to write like I wanted to. Maybe time has curbed my longing. Maybe I can handle a brainstorm session about a WIP I have yet to write. Is brainstorming considered writing in the eyes of God?

But with my spiritual eyes I want to believe God will allow it if it doesn’t keep me from my priorities. I used to joke about my writing, telling people I made time for my writing despite the last minute, throw together dinners or piled up laundry. “I have my priorities,” I would tell them. Now that statement is so convicting. Yes, my priorities have changed, but my talents, giftings and desires have not.

I’m not the type of mom who needs or even wants to spend all my time with my children. In fact, I’m an introvert who NEEDS lots of time alone without the noise and chaos of four kids. Being home with them all day, everyday has been taxing on me these last couple of weeks. I find myself doing everything for them and nothing for me. I know that’s not what God wants for me either, but I’m afraid of getting out of balance and, I haven’t been given a flashing, green neon light from God. And for me to be sure it’s from Him, it better be flashing, green, and neon or at least a phone call from an agent who just loves my WIP and wants to represent me. Anything less and I’ll be second guessing myself.