I Bet I Can Get You To Yell At Me

Chapter Fourteen of Healing ADD by Dr. Daniel Amen is titled ‘The Games ADD People Play.’ If you know anyone with Attention Deficit Disorder, chances are you’ve seen at least some of these games played out before you. They are not limited to ADD’ers, but they certainly do seem to be part and parcel of our lives more so than the average bear.

“I Bet I Can Get You To Yell At Me Or Hit Me” happened to be one of my favorite games growing up, even right up until a few years ago when I first read this book. In fact, I have distinct memories of my husband saying to me not so early in our marriage, “It seems as though you are trying to make me angry enough to hit you.” Oddly enough, while I really didn’t realize what exactly what I was doing, neither did his comment upset me or cause me any real distress.

Now I participate in the game as the Mama. It is crucial for us parents to understand some things about this game in order to handle it in the best possible way for our child and ourselves. First of all, this truly is an unconscious game. Dr. Amen writes:

“Many people with ADD are masterful at getting others to scream, yell, spank, and basically fly out of control. They get others so upset that they cannot help but lose it. These negative behaviors provide quite an adrenaline rush but frequently lead to serious negative consequences, such as divorce, fights at school, unemployment, and even abuse. Again the game is unconscious, not planned. It seems as if the ADD person senses the most vulnerable issue for others, and they work on them until there is an explosion.” ( Healing ADD: The Breakthrough Program That Allows You To See And Heal The 6 Types Of ADD, G.P. Putnam’s Sons, 2001.)

My parents could ask me “Why?” a hundred times, and the answer was always the same: “I….Don’t….Know….” with a shoulder shrug and a flood of tears. It was unconscious and uncontrollable for me as a child. It was only slightly more controllable with my husband, but still very much unconscious. Same answer: “I….Don’t….Know….” with a shoulder shrug and a flood of tears.

Please hear me when I say this kind of behavior is not excusable. Neither is it acceptable. It is nothing that should be permitted to continue, for the sake of your family and for the sake of your ADD child who will one day be an ADD adult.

But please also listen when I assure you that your son or daughter is not purposely trying to hurt you when they act like this. It is not about you. It is about your child. Chances are your ADD child feels a hundred times worse for his or her behavior than you feel for having it inflicted upon you. You may not see it. He or she may put on a brave front. A mask. A facade. But inside, especially in those quiet hours when he or she can never seem to fall asleep, that child likely reviews and replays the haunting questions:

• Why do I do things like that?
• Why can’t I change?
• Why can’t I be a good girl/boy like (fill in the blank)?
• How can anyone love me when I (fill in the blank)?
• When are they just going to give up on me?
• How much longer until they just give up?
• What will they do with me if they do just give up?
• Am I really as bad as they say?
• I didn’t really mean to do that again – did I?
• Why can’t I stop?
• Why can’t I just be “good enough?”
• Will I ever be just “okay” even?

Clearly it’s imperative that this game be stopped. But how? You can’t force your child to change. If you could, things would be different long before now! As the parent, you will have to learn to change your own reaction to the behavior. You will have to learn how to, and practice becoming, non-reactive in fact.

First of all, don’t take the behavior personally.
It really, truly, isn’t about you. Likely, it is a way of self-stimulation for your child. We need a certain level of stimulation to function. Our neurotransmitters don’t transmit like a “normal” person’s brain. Hence why stimulants work. It’s also why we adult ADD’ers so often self-medicate with caffeine and nicotine, as well as risk-taking and adrenaline producing experiences. The rush enables us to think clearly and even, later on that day, potentially behave more appropriately. Unfortunately, the up/down cycle of such self-medication is a very dangerous pattern for the ADD’er.

Secondly, have a plan.
Determine ahead of time what the procedure will be for dealing with the behavior; then follow it. Try very hard to not allow yourself to show emotion during the encounter. If necessary, take a time out yourself , especially if you find yourself getting very angry.

Third, when all is said and done, do reassure your child of his value to God, God’s love for her, your child’s value to you, and your love for her.
Some people would say this is reinforcing the bad behavior. Actually, the stimulation of a loud battle is what is reinforcing. When you walk away or don’t react, your child is going to get scared. She may not admit it. She may not be able to express it. She may not even really realize it. But change does not come easily to us. ADD’ers tend to be very insecure children. As a child I would worry that my mom or dad had indeed given up on me. Your child may be frightened that she has finally crossed the line. ADD’ers live with that fear from the earliest of ages. So when you assure your child of your love and her value, reassure her that you also want what is best and you are going to stand by her while she learns to control the outbursts. Even the youngest child is frightened by her out-of-control behavior and its consequences. At the earliest of ages, we ADD’ers want to be able to control ourselves just like everyone else seems to be able to do effortlessly. We just haven’t any idea how to do that.

Last, expect that your child will at first, and intermittently after that, “up the ante” and actually increase her negative behavior to try to get you to respond.
We need that stimulation almost like we need Oxygen. If I couldn’t breathe, I wouldn’t placidly sit and suffocate. I would do anything and everything in my power to try to restore my Oxygen supply. Likewise, the ADD’er is going to do whatever is necessary to restore the level of stimulation she needs to function. Be prepared for a decline in behavior as you become non-reactive. Rather than meaning it doesn’t work, this is indicative that it is working!

Finally, you will need to find long-term ways to increase the stimulation in your child’s brain. This will be an issue for her for years to come. The general consensus is that while some adults “outgrow” ADD, most of us will go on to have symptoms and issues into adulthood. Medication is an intensely personal decision and one which needs to be dealt with through a physician very familiar with ADD. Physical exercise can be of great benefit. I am finding that my children respond well to work. Chores help keep their hands busy, yet their minds can still whirl. Young ADD’ers need you to help direct their mental and physical activity. We need to help them keep busy, and find ways to keep busy, or they will make themselves busy!

In closing, let me just reiterate – these games aren’t about you. Your ADD’er is not trying to be malicious or disruptive. Unless there are other issues complicating the picture, your ADD’er wants to be “normal” more than anything else!