The “If Only” Mirage

There are some phrases that are quintessentially of the world. The very essence of them is borne in the ego-belief system which holds such detrimental beliefs as “I am separate,” “I have to do it all on my own,” “I must make God proud of me,” “Success must look just this way, or it’s not really success.” Much like the idea that knowing to compete will help us “get ahead,” the if-only mirage sucks our time down a black hole and virtually guarantees our ultimate failure.

Although I have written about this phenomenon in vague sketches in my novels-such as when a heroine believes she could have a relationship with the hero “if only…” she was prettier, richer, more worldly, etc., it is only when the heroine STOPS the if only games that she really begins to live. In truth, how you end the “if only” thought rarely matters except in analyzing and understanding how destructive and paralyzing the phrase is.

Take my friend for example. She grew up with “if only” playing non-stop in her head. Nonetheless, in the last year or so, her reality has shifted dramatically. The more she puts her life in God’s hands, the better life gets. And I mean demonstrably better not just in theory. At one time her “if-only” list included the following… If only I could find my own apartment… If only I could get me a car… If only I could get that part time job I want… If only I could join the small prayer group…

This afternoon I went to see said friend, and she said, “You know I realized this weekend how often I say ‘if-only.’ If only I was thinner. If only I made more money. If only I could find the love of my life. Then I started really hearing myself, and I thought, ‘If Staci was here, what would she say?'”

She laughed because she’s starting to hear my responses without me even having to be there (in case you’re perplexed, that’s because it’s really the Holy Spirit talking when I do because I’ve turned these types of discussions totally over to Him; therefore, in truth, I don’t even need to be there. All she has to do is to look into her own heart and ask the Holy Spirit in her, and the answer will be there. The answer is not about me. It’s about Him.)

Interestingly she added another fascinating insight right after that. She said, “But then, I started asking, then what? You know. If only this would happen, then… what? What would really change? What would really happen? Would I really be that much happier if I was still the same person and only that changed?”

This point is particularly important when the if-onlys begin to take hold of you and start playing on-loop in your brain. And then, of course there is if-onlys twin sister I wish… I wish I could go back and… I wish I could go back to August, I would do everything differently. I wish things had been different…

What these two phrases effectively do is keep you from living right now! “If only” basically says, “I can’t live fully until this happens.” If only I could find a man, then I could really live. So, of course, that means you can’t be fully living now because there’s no man in sight. If only I could pay my bills, then I’d be happy. Which means you can’t be happy now because the bills aren’t paid. This sets up a dangerous trap because your ego has convinced you it’s your fault AND it’s convinced you that there’s no way you can experience happiness at this moment because this criteria has not been met.

Does this mean go out and party even if you can’t pay your bills? No. The circumstance of not having money (or not having a man) is an opportunity to trust that God will provide (if you have truly given your life over to Him) and to be willing to allow His peace to come into you even though at this moment you can’t see how this will work out. Remember: We walk by faith and not by sight.

Further, “if only” is an empty-promise because you know as well as I do that the second an if only happens, there are ten more standing there to take that particular one’s place. If only I could meet the man of my dreams. Then you meet him. Oh, if only he would ask me to marry him. Then he does. Now, if only we can get married. The certificate is signed. If only we can find a house. House arrives. If only he could find a new job, this one is stressing him out. He does. If only I could get that promotion. You do. If only I had more time off…

And on and on and on it goes keeping you from ever living right now.

I believe that if-only is the ego’s way of keeping you from living this present moment by holding out the promise of what could be tomorrow. “I wish” is the ego’s way of keeping you from living this present moment by holding a past mistake over your head. Either way, having these two destructive, paralyzing phrases on loop in your brain means you are not living right now.

So the question is: Are you waiting to start living in God’s peace, joy, love, life, hope, and grace until you get all of the “if onlys” to work out, or are you willing to risk living right now-regardless of whether or not any of that stuff ever comes true-and see where that takes you?

Of course, that’s a question only you can answer.