We’ve Decided…I Need Help!
HOMESCHOOL REFLECTIONS
As this year of homeschooling comes to an end, I thought it would be fun and interesting to take a trip down memory lane. So I’ll be posting a series of homeschool posts from my past (old dead blog) and reflecting on what I’ve written and if things have really changed every Thursday. It should be an educating journey.
March 2004
That’s right! The one thing I said I would never do I am going to do, so remember never say never. I think God likes the challenge of the word NEVER. The Bible does say all things are possible with God and it’s a good thing because God’s going to have to do the impossible. He’s going to have to give me divine patience and wisdom and patience and self-control and patience… to homeschool my two boys next year.
I have mixed feelings about it all. I’m a little intimidated academically, but moreso I’m terrified about the possible conflicts. For example, it’s no secret I have an issue with my anger. No, I don’t throw things or beat people up, it’s just my mouth says things without thinking and the way I say it comes out is yelling. Tonight for instance, I ate dinner early so I could hide away up stairs to work on my writing project. Well, I was in a most pleasant place… in the middle of a scene in my novel when my overly tired, overly sensitive three-year-old son came bursting through the door with a roar. Yes, a roar. Well, needless to say, I was startled and was pulled prematurely from my peaceful environment, and I let out a startled yell. Yes, my heart was pounding and he did scare me and I was mad, but I also knew how sensitive he was so I down played the anger and up played the “You scared me!” Timmy thought it was funny like any normal 3 year old. Me, I wondered where the darling hubby was.
Well, as Timmy was leaving the room and I was entering back into my peaceful recluse, he knocks over a wooden folding chair and it crashes to the ground sending my nerves and temper through the roof. You guessed it, I yelled! I didn’t mean to, it just came out. And I knew I was gonna pay. Timmy let out a cry and yelled back, “Don’t scream at me!” and he runs out of the room and locks himslef in the bathroom. When he gets insulted or is overly sensitive about something there is no comforting him. Of course I felt really awful and could no longer write. So I try to talk to him, but he wants nothing to do with me. Enter darling hubby, finally.
But he can’t comfort Timmy either. Somehow Timmy gets out of the bathroom and is distracted by funny words and silliness and eventually I carry him to my bed… and he escapes my room several times still obviously hurt. He says he wants to sit on his bed. So I reluctantly let him and quietly sob into my pillow. He comes back in after a while, and we snuggle and apologize to each other.
All’s well that ends well. Or is it? This isn’t the first time I’ve yelled and it just breaks my heart to see his reaction, but things don’t change overnight. I pray. I sin again. Then I ask for forgiveness and I’m forgiven. I know it’s a process, I just wish that God would do one quick work on my heart and get it over with.
Sometimes I look at my life and see no change, other times I can measure my growth. Sad to say my issues with anger have not changed much except that now I know what triggers it and it’s usually hormonal. I discovered this the first year homeschooling. Some weeks the littlest things would set me off, other weeks major stuff didn’t seem to bother me. The difference was WHEN the stress hit. Since then I’ve gone to a doctor who’s been able to measure my stress level and test which systems in my body are under stress or not functioning 100%. Then he suggests vitamins and herbal supplements to help. And honestly, I can see the difference when I forget to take my vitamins and more importantly my family see the difference.
So though things aren’t perfect, they’re foreseeable and preventable and when I do get over stressed and out of control, I quickly apologize and blame it on the hormones. My boys forgive me and seem to understand!
