Odd Man Out

I’m getting very tired of always being the odd man out, me against the world. I don’t know whether it’s my plight in life, but it’s a lonely place to be. And it’s never more prevalent than in my own family.

As a young girl, I was the goody, goody, always choosing the right, moral road, not afraid to point out when my sister or cousins did wrong. I remember being about eight, when my older cousin stole a miniature soap from a store. I was devastated and convicted of her sin. Another time I remember five of us staying at my cousins’ house in Florida. I can’t remember too many details, only that I was the middle cousin with two older and two younger. I was the odd cousin out. There was even an incident where we were play “boxing/fighting” and who do you think took on everyone. Me! And I whipped their butts, I might add. But more than the actual event, I remember the feeling of “me against my cousins,” the odd girl out. When I was play fighting, I was really taking on the world. And it was a very lonely and helpless place to be.

I remember in junior high and high school wanting so much to fit in, but feeling like an outsider even amongst my friends. I’d sit at the lunch room table and try and think of something clever and fun to say, but there would never be an opportunity for me to speak. Even when I tried, I felt like no body was listening to me.

Things haven’t changed much in my life except for a brief time in college when I actually felt free enough to be myself. Maybe it was because I was around like minded people, but for those four short years of my life I felt like the real me was allowed to come and was accepted and loved, not shot down or ignored. I didn’t have to hide who I was, and people still liked me.

I wish I could say that about my adult life, especially within my marriage and family, but it’s not so. I still feel like the odd man(mom) out, like it’s me against the world. When ever I have a disagreement or discipline issue with my children, often times my husbands sees it their way. He’s more into doing the right and fair thing, while I’m trying to see the big picture and teach my children that life is not always fair and we still have to deal with what comes our way. My heart wants to instill Biblical parenting in my children, teach them Jesus’ lessons, but it comes off more like a power struggle rant. (my husband wants to do the same, we just have different ways of doing it.) It’s very exhausting and discouraging, especially when I loose my cool and storm off like an immature child with my life’s mantra looping in my mind “they’re always against me.”

Even when my husband and I disagree and argue, guess who the kids side with? Him of course. (Yeah, I know not good to fight in front of the kid…) Maybe it’s because I get too emotional and my sin just jumps out at them. Maybe it’s because I’m in a male dominated home, and I just can’t see things their way. Whatever it is, I always end up the loser. The odd man out. Me against the world.

And to drive the point home, I end up alone, taking a time out in my room, feeling sorry for myself and wanting so much for this family to be on the same page but realizing it’s not and those ugly words echoing through my mind. “A house divided against itself cannot stand.”

So why don’t I back down, and back off? Why do I dig in and fight?

Because I’m the odd man out. And that’s a very tiring and lonely way to live.