How to Get Your Husband to Listen to You on Valentine’s Day and Every Other Day of the Year!

I know the Internet is flooded with romantic Valentine’s Day suggestions or beautiful prose of love and romance. I thought I’d take a different route on this day and share with you a book about communication. After all if you’re not communicating with your husband in the way he will understand, chances are you’re not able to communicate LOVE to him in the way he understands.

My husband and I just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary and there’s never a day that goes by that one of us miscommunicates to one another. So when I saw this book titled, How to Get Your Husband to Listen to You, I knew I needed it and two lucky readers will be getting it free. So stay tuned!

Here’s what it’s all about. See if you can relate.

In their new book, How to Get Your Husband to Listen to You: Uncovering How Men Communicate (Multnomah, January 2008), popular authors Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby offer practical solutions for wives seeking clear, meaningful communication with their men.

How to Get Your Husband to Listen to You is not about changing a man’s God-given way of thinking. Rather, it teaches women how to initiate healthy communication and enjoy the blessing of a husband who wants to listen.

Have you ever tried to read your husband’s mind to determine his mood? It’s usually not a good idea, because we never know what another person—especially a man—is thinking.

Here’s a sneak peak into the book!

Wife’s Diary

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We’d made plans to meet at a restaurant to have dinner. I thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested we go somewhere private so we could talk. He agreed, but kept quiet…

…When we got home, I felt as if I’d lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he came to bed. To my surprise he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

After he fell asleep, I cried. I don’t know what else to do. I’m almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary

I didn’t catch any fish today, but at least I made love with my beautiful wife.

If a woman is quiet, she’s often upset or hurt. So she assumes the same when her husband is quiet. But most of the time a man’s quietness has nothing to do with his wife.

A woman will often become emotional in her efforts to draw out her husband. This causes him to become frustrated and withdraw. To counter this, the female continues talking to engage him, which is even more frustrating to the man. At this point, he’ll often disengage from the conversation altogether.

Women conclude from this kind of interaction that something is wrong in the relationship, and they try to hash things out. The poor husband doesn’t know what to say. He simply wants to be himself, but often this isn’t acceptable to his wife.

A man’s silence is normal, especially when he feels he’s being interrogated. He simply stops listening and thinks of something more pleasant—like getting some peace and quiet or catching more fish next time.

BOTTOM LINE: Men relish silence, and it usually has nothing to do with their feelings toward their wives.

So are you interested? Read the following interview by the author and leave a comment to win a free book!

Connie, why did you write this book?

Our publisher asked us to write it as sort of a “companion book” to How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You. After doing some research and surveys, we decided there was enough fresh material from this different angle to write the book. So, in this case, which is quite rare, our publisher came to US asking us to write something for them. Normally, it’s the other way around!

Why is communication between husbands and wives so difficult?

First, men and woman are wired completely differently, and often women forget this! Men like short, direct, and to the point conversation. They like to solve our problems. They see very little value in just “listening,” for listening’s sake. They need time to process things–they don’t think as quickly on the spot as we do. Most women, generally speaking, are opposite of this! Many times we unknowingly heap unrealistic expectations on our husbands, thinking they will communicate like us. We forget, and don’t appreciate, their God-made differences. When we get into this mode of unrealistic expectations, we can become frustrated really quickly. An air of superiority can seep in, where we see ourselves a bit superior and our husbands a bit inferior, at least re: communication. We may then begin treating our husbands in a disrespectful manner, and respect is the very life blood to a man. Men who feel disrespected by their wives are usually not men who have much desire to communicate with them.

What is it a husband needs from his wife before he is able to open up and communicate?

He needs to feel safe, accepted, and respected as a man. He also needs to feel that he can express an opinion without having it get blown to bits, if his wife disagrees. It’s perfectly fine for a woman to disagree, but she needs to do so in a respectful manner that leaves his dignity intact. Too often, we give off tones of “what an idiot,” “you are so clueless,” or worse.

In your experience, what is the biggest mistake women make as they try to talk with their husbands?

One of the biggest patterns I see is they quickly become frustrated when their husbands don’t communicate as they (the women) feel they should, and then they allow disrespect to enter into their interactions with them. Disrespected husbands usually won’t fight to regain this respect. They don’t know what they did to lose it in the first place. They feel they can’t win. And rather than fight back, they will either become angry or shut down, or both. This makes the woman even more irritated–because she feels she’s “right”–and the whole vicious cycle starts over and over again. This pattern can go on for a lifetime, unless someone steps out of the cycle and begins to live in a healthier manner. So often, women will say, “I am NOT going to be the one to change. He should change. I am a strong woman and I know what’s right.” My answer to that is that it takes a very strong woman to be willing to change. Not changing takes very little strength, while being the one to initiate change–especially when one feels she is right–takes monumental strength. It is the mature person that is willing to step back, reassess, and initiate c-h-a-n-g-e.

What are some phrases women should avoid when they want to discuss something important with their husbands?

One of the biggest ones is: “We need to talk.” or “I have GOT to talk with you now.” or “When you get home, I have something to say to you.” Others include: “You always….” or “You never…” or “I can’t believe that you did such and so…” They should also avoid those infamous “Husband-Bashing” sessions when they’re with other women.

Do men and women view Valentine’s Day differently? Do they have different expectations?

Oh, I would definitely say that men and women view it differently, generally speaking. Women often see it as a way to measure how much their men love them, and men don’t get this quite as much. They want their wives to feel special and loved, but I don’t think most men realize how big of a deal it is to their wives. I think women should take some of the pressure off of the guys, and realize that most men try their hardest on Valentine’s Day, even though it may not seem like it to a woman. Men want to please their wives, so why not help them out? Say something like, “You know what I’d love for Valentine’s Day? I’d love such and so.” Men LOVE this. It makes their lives so much easier, you like what they get you (by this time they’ve often forgotten the hint you dropped), and everyone feels great. If a guy is told what to do, or at least what his wife is thinking, he can take the ball and run with it. But if left to figure it out for himself, he may sweat blood and come up with what he thinks is a knock-out gift, only to find she’s disappointed or let-down. This is so painful for a man. He tried so hard and he missed the mark! Women don’t realize how defeating this can be, and how deflated our guys can feel when this happens. Get excited about what he gives you. So it’s not perfect? Who cares! It truly is the thought that counts.

How do men/women say I love you?

Men generally say “I love you” by the things they “do” for their wives: bring home the paycheck, mow the lawn, fix the leaky faucet, etc. Women often say I love you in a more emotional manner: holding hands, touching, long talks, gazing into the other’s eyes, etc. The 3 words a woman loves to hear, by the way, are: “I love you,” while the 3 words a man longs to hear are: “I’m proud of you.” Well, actually that’s four, but you get the point! Women thrive on being loved and cherished, while men thrive on being respected and admired.

How can wives get the communication they desire on Valentine’s Day?

By beginning afresh to show their husbands that they respect who they are as men, and appreciate what they do for their families. This could be the turning point to warming up a cold marriage, or warming up a good marriage even moreso. My husband and I celebrated our 28th anniv just a wk ago. I wrote out 28 things I loved about him. Some were funny, but most were more serious, and reflected his character, work ethic, how he treated people, what kind of man he was, etc. I gave the list to him, and by the end of it, he was tearing up. He said to me, “Connie, this is all a man wants from his wife: to know he’s respected, accepted, and appreciated.” If we gals could work on remembering their good points, instead of being so quick to jump on their weaknesses, I think we’d go along way in getting the communication we so hunger for.

What would the perfect Valentine’s Day look like for meeting the needs of both the husband and wife?

Where each is focused on what would please the other, more than what they want themselves. It would be an “Others-Centered” Valentine’s Day. It would be that principle of giving, expecting nothing in return, and truly feeling that way.

Thanks to everyone who entered but contest is closed! I’ll be giving away more books on my blog, so check back, and in the mean time you can still get this book here!