From Apathy to Anger…

When my last rejection came the other day, I felt disappointed and frustrated. I was really hoping this was it. When all the fruit of my labor would pay off. But nope! Not yet! In fact, after a summer long winning streak (various family members won three rounds of Wicked auction tickets, a trip to NC and appearance on a PBS television show and a full scholarship to a music conservatory for the year) it would have to be me to break our winning streak with a loss! Mainly, a rejection for my latest WIP.

This rejection didn’t hit me that hard. Disappointment only lasted about 20 minutes, due to the “it figures” factors and even though I expected to sell this WIP, not selling was just a typical part of my writing career thus far.

Days later, I’m still plugging away, wondering if all this work will be worth it. If all the years toiling will actually bring about fruit and when I finally get published will I honestly even be excited! That’s my biggest fear. I fear that after all this hard work that I won’t be excited when it actually happens and I’ll just heave a big sigh and say “It’s about stinkin’ time!” I so don’t want that to be my attitude, but it feels like that’s the path I’m headed. It feels like I’m working my tail off with nada to show for it, while others who are working hard as well just get handed contracts left and right. And frankly, I’m tired of hearing about it right now! (Go ahead..give your collective sigh and then get honest with yourself. You feel the same way if you’re reading this and struggling with a similar road to publication!)

I’ve already been down the “why not me?” road before. And I’ve accepted that it’s not my time yet. But I think I’ve come full circle to the “why isn’t it my time, Lord?” What more do I need to do? I’ve practically scaled back writing and seem to have my priorities in order. When? WHEN? WHEN???? But God knows best is my pat answer and while it’s true, I don’t have to like it!

Today, I crossed the line from apathy to anger. (Don’t worry, by the time you read this, I’ll have fallen well back into apathy!) And I’m really starting to get angry at God. I don’t think I missed him on this one. On writing and being published. But why in the world is it taking so long to be published? (Yeah, I know. Not as long as some of you out there. But let’s face it. Longer than others!) The rejections I’m getting is that my writing is good, but my stories just don’t “fit!” So where do I fit? I’m not sure. And should I conform to just get a contract? Or should I write the stories God keeps giving me (which take a year or more to write) only to never sell them?

I’m a fighter no matter what! And I’m not one of those writers who writes just to write. I’ll write until I publish…or die trying.

Thanks for listening! I feel much better now! See, already slipping back into apathy!