Experiencing God, Again…
Fifteen years ago I did a Bible study entitled Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King. It was a time we desperately needed to hear from God about a big decision. I honestly can’t remember if we heard from God, but we ended up not doing what we were contemplating.
The one thing I took away from the Bible study is “to discover where God is working and join him.” For me, this was a very profound statement…one even after fifteen years I’m still trying to walkout wondering if it is even possible for me.
Warning: If you can’t handle real, raw, open-heart honesty. Don’t read on…but if even one person can relate, it’s all worth it!
Let me explain in the words of my notes I wrote the other day as I go through this study again fifteen years later…
“I know I constantly fail at doing things in my own strength, but honestly I can’t see where God is at work. I have huge ambitions and am a big idea person but nothing “big” ever comes to me. Only the “little” things which I know are big in God’s eyes, but I don’t understand why God put this “drive” in me, this ambition if he’s not going to use it. I wish I could be satisfied with the little things. It would make for a much more peaceful existence…”
That’s where I’m at now. Everything I seem to do, even when I think it’s God, fails. At least by my standards. My writing isn’t where I think it should be. It’s not reaching enough people. No one comes to the small church groups I volunteer to lead. Writer…Interrupted isn’t even growing the way I thought and believe me I’d give it up, but I feel God doesn’t want me to let it go. And let’s not even talk about my blog readership or my lack of real life and online friends, and family issues over the course of my entire life…Maybe I expect too much from myself or from other people…I just don’t know anymore…
Sometimes I just want to ask God “what more do you want from me?” “I feel like I’ve been obedient to your will even in the most painful circumstances and yet only more heartache has come from it.”
Maybe I’m truly fooling myself. Maybe I don’t know Jesus as much as I think I do. Maybe I was meant to walk a different, more lonely path… Maybe…Maybe…
