Confessions of a Schizophrenic Writer

I recently had one of those moments when I was misunderstood.

This “advice”, from a well-meaning, but far too hasty mentor, was just a suggestion. One, if taken at face value, meant little.  But nevertheless, it was a “poo-poo”-ing of my grand idea and it stung and continued to sting for a long time.

It rattled my self-confidence to the core.  It made me second guess all of my ideas, my dreams, and my 200,000 word work in progress.

I would like to say that when I have such a moment, I respond immediately in grace, walking in truth, picking up God’s promises about my future with nary a blink.  But that would not be true.

In truth, I turn into a schizophrenic.  I hold a wrestling match with my inner selves, (fondly named Hack Kathy and Artist Kathy). And the conversation between the two selves looks a little bit like this:

Scene: Two writers are sitting over coffee in a kitchen. The first, ARTIST KATHY, is brilliant and gifted — just undiscovered.  The other, HACK KATHY, is just as undiscovered, but has trouble writing a functional sentence, and thinks that her time might be better spent baking bread and changing diapers.

HACK KATHY:  I don’t know what I was doing, even asking her what she thought.  I’m not a real writer.  See, her response proves it. We have our head in clouds.  And it’s raining . . . .sugar?

ARTIST KATHY:  Thanks.  She doesn’t understand the project.  And we can’t exactly explain it in an email. She certainly isn’t going to give us any attention with it being unfinished.  All we need to do is finish it.

HACK KATHY:  But the whole concept of the novel is kind of weird.  I mean, it’s kind of like Arrested Development meets The 700 Club. No one’s ever done this before, so it probably won’t sell and this gal knows what she’s doing. Milk?

ARTIST KATHY: No thanks.  Isn’t that the point? We have a unique voice, a unique idea.  If we were just like what we saw on the shelves, there wouldn’t be room for us.   . . .  Is this that Columbian stuff that Marc likes? It’s good.

HACK KATHY:  We’ve never written a novel, before, you know.  It’s not like we really know what we’re doing . . . I dunno about the coffee, it’s whatever we get at Costco.

ARTIST KATHY: Everybody has to start somewhere.

HACK KATHY:  But this is our baby!  It will probably take 4 years to finish (it’s almost two years now) what if we put all this love and work into it and no one wants it.  What if this chick is right?

ARTIST KATHY:  Would you just look at yourself? We know what we’re doing! We have a good sense of dialogue, of humorous repetition, of character development, our plots are complex and compelling and we can portray genuine, imperfect characters who are seeking God.  We CAN do this!  Just because it’s new, doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

HACK KATHY: We’re not in a writer’s group, we’ve never met an agent or an editor and we’ve only been critically acclaimed one time — and that was with a short story, not a novel.  Do you want more?

ARTIST KATHY:  Do you mean coffee or excuses . . . Didn’t we pray for an opportunity?  Didn’t we specifically ask for ideas?  Haven’t we been writing as furiously as we can, when we can, for two years on this project? Don’t we like what we’re doing so far?

HACK KATHY:  Yeah, well, we just be the William Hung of Christian literature.

ARTIST KATHY:  No.  You are so wrong. We’ve read enough Christian novels to know that job’s already been taken.  We can do this.  And we’re going to be good at it.  This is not only going to be sold, but it will be successful  . . . Besides Holly liked the first three chapters.  And Ingrid said we were “fantastic”.

HACK KATHY:  YOU have delusions of grandeur!  I know you, I know you’re thinking about what you’ll say if you’re ever interviewed on Focus of the Family . . . besides Holly and Ingrid are our friends. What else would they say?

ARTIST KATHY:  And I KNOW YOU!  You don’t have enough confidence to take out the trash! Oh . . .honey.  . .I’m sorry . . . I didn’t mean to make you cry . . .

HACK KATHY:  (Sniffling) You of all people should know how sensitive I am!

ARTIST KATHY:  Listen, let’s not talk about this any more.  The Office is on tonight and we’ll have a piece of cake with Marc and .  . .

HACK KATHY:  Cake?  There’s Cake?

END SCENE

So, that’s what happened.  Artist Kathy and Hack Kathy decided to work together to finish the book. For just a moment they were a bit overwhelmed by attempting such a noble task amid the laundry, the meals and the cleaning (oh, and the homeschooling of five children). Writer Kathy set the timer for 10 minutes and wrote furiously while Hack Kathy folded underwear. They also agreed that living by faith, not fear, is the most important thing to do. They cheered up considerably after a reminder of truth and a large piece of cake.