The Divorce I Never Saw Coming…

Taken from my Facebook profile:
October 18, 2016

This is not an easy post to write, since I kept things private for so long, but I felt I needed to be authentic and vulnerable since you, my friends, have seen my ups and downs on Facebook, and might have wondered why. You encouraged me with your kind words and prayers, and I thought you deserved the truth – now that I can share – and give you a glimpse into my private life, at least for a moment.

I want to assure you I’m okay. And my family is okay. Though it had been several years (decades, really) in the making, it came as a surprise to both of us that this day (October 18, 2016) was D-day, so to speak. We were told the night before by our lawyers. Then all it took was some last-minute compromises and signed papers brought before the judge. Done. Just like that.

It was a day filled with unexpected waves of emotions. This is not what we intended when we exchanged vows and started a family in 1992. When I married, it was for life. But life has a strange way of going its own way no matter how hard we fight. Almost 25 years married, though the last 3-5 years not really living married. Lots of emotions for me, and I assume him, but lots of peace and hope. I hope for him too!

I had said over and over for years I would never get divorced, and I judged those who did, harshly, probably because of the silent pain I was living. It’s nothing my ex did specifically. We were actually lucky. No trauma tore us apart. Though actually, my counselor once said little things left unsaid, undone, little things added up over time can be worse than one single trauma. So maybe we weren’t so lucky.

All those little things we did to each other and didn’t do for each other. Unmet expectations, having to be right, no emotional connection, not knowing what it meant to really love, I guess. I equally share the blame. Too many walls built up that 20 years of counseling couldn’t tear down. 20 years of this caught up with us and the mantra I had said silently to myself and out loud on occasion, “I’d rather be miserable the rest of my life than get divorced,” caught up with me. I was miserable and so was everyone around me because of me.

Splitting up our home was not an easy decision for us, but our home had been divided for decades. It was the healthiest choice for everyone at the time. After forgiving myself and him, and embracing grace and God’s best for me, him, and my family, I allowed myself to accept the first step to being whole and happy and most importantly, at peace.

It hasn’t been an easy road. There have been unfair sacrifices for the kids, and that hurts the most. But they have two parents that love them and their life is more peaceful. I’ve worked hard for that peace, loving and transforming myself, which has allowed me to love my family more and not allow the things in my life that don’t empower me. I don’t know what the future holds, but 5 years ago I didn’t think I had a future. Now I know how to create the future I want. And that leaves me full of hope.