Island Living Through Stormy Weather

I used to feel like my life was like living on an uninhabited island in the middle of a big, blue ocean playing a solo game of Survivor. No people, no other land in sight, always working to survive. Just me, the surf, and sand which wasn’t a bad thing when things were peaceful, especially since the beach brings me peace. But, when I experienced island living through stormy weather, and the violent waves crashed on the shore as the wind blew my world apart, that safe, peaceful place became scary and dangerous. That’s when I realized my immoveable island was actually floating in a sea of uncertainty.

That’s the picture that came to me during one of my counseling sessions a while back, and it’s a perfect metaphor for the last 7 years of my life. It’s been a difficult road, to say the least, trying to rebuild my life. I can’t begin to describe the emotional pain and fortitude it took me to pray a prayer of desperation, seek help, then start on the painful work of reprogramming my mind and heart to reject 35 years of lies. That was only the beginning of my growing pains. Next, I worked to believe the truth that I was worthy, loved, and wanted, even though there was no evidence of it. Even though I still gravitated towards high-risk people who always ended up rejecting me and reinforcing the lies that I wasn’t loved or wanted, I pressed on healing after every heartache.

Financially, I was reliant on my ex’s support since I was blessed enough to raise and homeschool my kids and had no real-life job experience to fall back on. Who knew that blessing would turn into a curse as I tried to forge my way into the workforce?  Even though I was a freelance writer, teacher, and speaker for over 15 years, that didn’t translate to worth when it came to looking for a job. So even with a college degree in communications, with no “experience” in the field, and no contacts or networking except for other stay-at-home moms, I was forced to take humbling part-time jobs that started at $8, 10.50, and after a few years, $13 an hour.

It was a stormy, tumultuous time with no security and constant change as I worked endlessly, exhausted, hoping to get ahead.  Every 3-6 months, my job situation changed. Even though it was always for the better, it was never enough income to sustain me. I soon realized no job or degree would provide the security I desperately needed. And time was running out. In May of 2020, my child support would end, and I could not support myself on my own. I needed a miracle!

Those years were like being on that deserted island in the middle of the ocean as life’s storms knocked and shook me all over the sea.  Often, I’d get knocked down, battered, and bruised, but I couldn’t stay down for long if I wanted to survive.  Just as one storm subsided another came in from a different direction. If I found refuge away from the battering wind, then I had to contend with the rising floods. It was more than one person is meant to bear alone, and yet if I laid down to rest, I knew it would be the end of me.

But through it all, there was always a ray of hope. Even though I couldn’t see it or feel it most of the time, I believed and trusted God had a purpose and a plan. His love warmed me through the stormy weather, and he always sent hope or help just when I felt like I could not go on.

I remember being in that counselor’s office when that image of me trying to ride out the storm on my island came to mind. I was standing tall, poised on my island as if on a surfboard, obviously being thrown off balance as the wind blew and the waves crashed on my little island. Arms stretched out wide, feet planted, I was trying to ride out the storm.

That’s when I heard Jesus’ voice, “peace, be still.”
He wasn’t talking to the storm.

He was talking to me.

I smiled, as His peace and love overwhelmed me, and I knew it would all be okay. I would be okay. As the island storm raged around me, I laid down on the sand, allowing the storm to rock me to sleep, knowing God would calm the waves or see me through the stormy weather.

Either way, I would be okay.