The Face of Divorce Sure has Changed!
Growing up, I was the only person I knew who parents were divorced. It was hard. I felt alienated, though no one specifically alienated me. I felt left out and different, growing up with a weekend dad. I felt abandoned…
As I got older and started thinking about a family, divorce was never an option I would even entertain. I wouldn’t, couldn’t put my imaginary kids in the situation of having to be divided up every weekend and holiday. It really sucked (excuse my French) to be carted away every weekend and holiday and even as an adult having to split up my holidays between two parents. To this day, though I love my dad, he feels like a stranger to me.
But today things have changed. It seems divorce, remarriage and step-parents and step-kids are the norm. The friends of mine who are divorced, engaged or remarried say their kids have adjusted. That they’re fine. Fine? How can they be fine? Their world’s been ripped apart because of something totally outside of their control. Now I know there are extenuating circumstances where parents have to split, but though I don’t know the statics, most marriages break up today because one or both people just don’t want to struggle anymore. Forgive me if I sound a little touchy about the subject, but I believe many marriage break up because of selfishness!
Now before you go judging me for judging others, thinking “oh, that’s easy for you to say, you probably have the perfect marriage.” Well, it’s far from perfect. Remember I’m a product of divorce with a boat load of insecurities and abandonment issues. My marriage is far from peachy, I just don’t blog about it here much, so I’m confident in what I’m saying because I’m living the other side of this coin!
Back to my rant. Kids seem to accept divorce and remarriage better these days, but should they? Should parents who split up remarry so quickly (within a year or two) and if they do, should they do it before their kids are ready? Case in point, I have an acquaintance who never talked about her husband. I didn’t know him and since we were acquaintances didn’t think to ask much beyond how her kids were. She’s a great Christian homeschooling mom, but one day I learned she had a boyfriend. Didn’t even know her marriage split up. A couple of weeks later she’s engaged and her teen has made it very clear he’s rebelling because of it. But on went the wedding plans and the wedding and the problem with her teen. He refused to move in with his mom and new husband so he moved in with the dad who didn’t seem to be taking good care of him. So he’s back with the mom and seems to be heading down the wrong path… And I say to myself DUH! I saw that coming a mile away!
Then there’s our neighbors who have the kids every other week. Every other week? Imaging living your childhood one week at mom’s and the next week at dad’s. Childhood is tough enough, but sleeping in a different bed every other week? I once read a story where a divorced couple kept their home and they were the ones to leave every other week to an apartment. The kids got to stay in their home and the parents had the inconvenience of packing up their lives every other week! I say that’s how it should be done. Kids shouldn’t have to suffer because of their parent’s mistakes.
And don’t get me started on the Christian, homeschooling mom who left her family to “shack up” with some guy. Three beautiful lives ruined! Oh, I should say four. Her’s is not going so well now either. It just makes me angry!
Not sure where this post is going except, am I the only one that thinks parents should stay together even for the sake of this kids? Am I the only one who believes if you’re married, you shouldn’t take the easy way out, but hang in there till death do you part or he runs off and has an affair, which is biblical grounds for divorce? Am on the only one who thinks we dismiss marriage too easily thinking there’s someone out there better? And (candid moment here) am I the only one who sometimes gets envious of those divorced, remarried people who “finally found love” and seem to be so happy?
This subject is really touchy for me, so much that I thought “what would I do if someone close to me got divorced, then engaged, and invited me to the wedding?” Would I be able to go and be happy for them while I tough it out in my own marriage? I’m not sure. I think it would depend on the circumstances. I have another Christian friend whose husband left her, but a year later wanted to come back and she refused to let him. It angered me to hear about her wanting to date when there was still a chance at reconciliation. But I remained silent and said nothing. Would I be able to attend her wedding? I’m not sure.
Does this make me an awful friend? Maybe so. Is the problem more mine then theirs? Probably, but I just hate divorce so much and I know what it can do to people, to the kids. I don’t care how much parents rationalize and say the kids are fine. They’re not fine. They are FOREVER changed. Though witnessing and living in a horrible marriage forever changes a child as well. Sometimes I wonder which is better for the kids after all. But if two people stick it out, the kids might see their parent’s never gave up, stuck it out and worked through the hard times. And that’s the chance I’m willing to take. If only more people believed that maybe divorce wouldn’t have a face at all!
