THE TALK

Reposted from May 2004

Disclaimer: This post bares it all. Well, at least all of what went on and what was said when we had THE TALK with our oldest several years ago.

There’s two things I’ve dreaded as a parent so far. One is potty training (three down , one to go) and the other is THE TALK (one down, three to go).

A couple of weeks ago I summoned up the nerve to read the first book in the Before I was Born series. It says you should read it to your kids when they are three – five years old. Mine were six and nine.

Even though I had never actually had THE TALK with them before, I had been trying to prepare them for it in subtle ways by talking about babies and how you need a mommy and daddy to have a baby. They never really asked questions, and were satisfied that God made babies… except once while I was driving, Chris was three and he asked where the baby came out.

After running a red light and nearly missing a pedestrian, I tried to change the subject, and we ended up playing a silly game which sounded something like this, “Mommy, does the baby come out of your elbow… giggles, how about your nose…” more giggles and so on.

I was more than happy to play along. When he was a little older he was satisfied with the answer that God made a special opening for the baby to come out and it was near a mommy’s bottom. Of course the image of that brought chuckles.

Well, a couple of weeks ago we read the book and my children finally learned the proper names for male and female body parts. But that was about it. I dreaded the next step which would get a little more informative, but I ordered the book from the library anyway.

I was 44th on the waiting list. I took a deep breath of relief knowing I still had some time before the big talk. My main motivation for THE TALK was that my son was going to camp this summer and although he’s been sheltered so far, I was afraid he might hear something from someone else. But I also dreaded THIS TALK because I know how the sight of his brothers running around naked grosses him out.

Finally the book arrived two weeks ago and I read it over and stuck it in a drawer. Everything was explained pretty well, except I wasn’t ready to describe the physical act to him yet. I already decided that I would wait to tell Joey, his 6 year old brother, and I wanted Chris (9) to feel that this was something special that we wanted to share with him.

Finally the day came when I had to return the book, but we hadn’t had THE TALK yet. My husband didn’t even know I had the book, but I knew the talk had to happen soon. The book is now overdue, but we decided paying a small fine was better than chickening out and waiting another couple of months…or years.

I don’t know why this part of parenting is so hard… well actually I do know why. I grew up in a home without a father. I don’t remember my mom ever sitting me down and telling me. She said when I was really little I asked questions and she answered them. But the things I do remember learning about s*x growing up was all nasty talk on the school bus or in movies I was definitely too young to see. I still can’t believe my mother let me see Saturday Night Fever in the theatre when I was 10 or 12.

Another part is how your child sees you. Having THE TALK (in my opinion) causes your child to see you in a different way. For me, it was a way in which I wasn’t ready for my child to see me.

Any way, getting back on track. Tonight we decided it was the night. About a week ago, Chris informed me he was looking through a children’s science book and read something about babies and the woman’s cell… I couldn’t exactly figure out what he already knew, but somehow I felt it might make our job easier. So tonight, Chris, my husband and I snuggled in our bed (we read a lot there and wanted to make it comfortable for everyone.)

We started out by sharing that what we were reading was something for his ears only and not for his brothers and we felt he was old enough to hear it. (We knew this would make him feel special and important.)

He kind of knew what was coming because he got all silly and embarrased and covered his face and said, “Oh I don’t think I want to hear it… Oh, I wish I had never read that science book.” and he stuck his head under the covers and giggled some more.

Surprisingly enough his giddy embarrassment started us laughing and made me feel more comfortable. We asked him what he was embarrassed about and what he already knew. Chris just hit his head several times and said, “Uh, I don’t know anything. My brain is not working right.” But he still had that look on his face that said, “I want to know, but I don’t want to know.”

I could tell he was in giddy distress, so I became serious and said, “If you don’t want to read the book we don’t have to.” Chris replied, “Uh, I think I do.” So I assured him that if he wanted to stop at any point, he could just say so. So we just started reading and every page we’d ask him, “Do you want to hear more?” He covered his eyes or pulled the covers over his face and said timidly, “I think so.” So we moved forward.

A couple of the pictures embarrassed him, like the picture of Adam and Eve (covered by fig leaves) shocked him into silliness. But slowly we conveyed God’s plan for our changing bodies and marriage. We avoided the word s*x, instead we said God has a special gift for husbands and wives to share with each other. The reason we decided NOT to use the word s*x is because you can’t turn on the televsion without that word being on every channel, even during previews and commercials. I didn’t want him to think about IT everytime he heard the word s*x. In the past we explained the word to him as in gender… male and female. For now and for his age, we know it is the right decision.

We knew by his reactions throughout THE TALK that although the book got into a little more detail, we would not be graphic in our description. You should have seen his eyes pop out of his head when we told him husbands and wives can lay in bed naked together if they wanted to. And when we told him their ‘privates’ need to touch to make a baby, he didn’t believe us.

I think the biggest question he had was how pee and sperm came out of the same place. He laughed at the thought of pee entering the woman, and we tried to explain between the giggles and disbelief that it can’t happen at the same time. He got really silly about the “privates” touching and did a little dance and said, “What, do they Tango?” It was incredibly funny, and we all started laughing.

Well, at least THE TALK was more fun than I thought it would be and Chris wasn’t grossed out by anything. At least he didn’t show that he was. And I beleive he was ready to hear as much as he heard, but I still am glad I didn’t dump it all on him at once. He’s still young and I want to preserve his moral innocense as long as I can.

When we finished, we reminded him not to share this information with anyone and before we could finish explaining why he said with big eyes, “Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone… not even Joey (his brother). He won’t be able to handle it. He’d go to church tomorrow and say ‘P*nis, p*nis, p*nis, p*nis, v*gina, v*gina, v*gina…” He said it in this sing song voice that made us crack up again.

Okay so I know THE TALK should probably have been a little more serious, but at least we had fun and now I know that even if we have to talk about serious stuff, we could still lighten the mood with a joke.

One down, Three to go…

Come back tomorrow for THE TALK, take two.