But What About ME?

The box in the barn had a few mouse nibbles in the corners, but the contents were surprisingly intact. While sorting through our 25-year pile of stored and forgotten items, I found that most of the things should have been thrown out long ago. But this disintegrating container held a treasure trove. It was a box of my old journals: spirals of scrawled notes and calorie counts and angst from days gone by.

I sat down on an overturned bucket and started reading pages from the first year of our marriage. Much of it was pretty embarrassing, but a loose paper that slipped out caught my attention and brought memories flooding back. Back then, my husband was in college and I was working to help put him through. While he carried most of the load of working, studying and sacrificing for his dreams, I must have felt neglected that day because I could have titled my entry:

“But what about ME?”

…”What about the person who is sacrificing for the person sacrificing for his dreams? What does she get out of it?” (Yes, I did refer to myself in the third person. I have no idea why.)

Sitting in that dusty barn, I thought about how I couldn’t see then just how many twists and turns our life together would take. I did make a lot of sacrifices as the Supportive One, but over time my husband has also taken HIS turn as Sacrificing Supporter for the Spouse’s Dreams.

We’ve both learned the hard way that it is easier to be the Dream Pursuer than the Dreamer’s Support Staff. When you are pursuing a dream, you don’t mind the hard work, the missed activities, the dinners served on paper plates. But when you are the one behind the scenes, making the dream possible for someone else, it is easy to feel the emptiness of the other’s diverted attention.

Reading that old page from so long ago made me realize that many things don’t change. In marriage there is always a delicate balance between putting the other first and wanting to have your own needs met. “What about ME?” is a question that is always being asked and answered in some way, shape or form. Back then, I didn’t know how to verbalize the question in a constructive way, so I asked it by slamming doors and crying in my pillow. I just hoped he’d get the message, rather than having a productive conversation.

And now I find myself on the other end, pursuing my own dreams and asking others to pitch in and help me make it happen. Not just my husband, but my children and my friends have been willing to put aside activities and give of themselves so that I can make progress toward those goals. That diary page reminded me to stop and pay attention to the sweet people who are making sacrifices for MY dreams. It reminded me that they may not be verbalizing “but what about me?” but they might be asking it just the same.

Are you a Dream Pursuer, too? Don’t forget the ones who sacrifice so that you can sacrifice for your dream. Like the me of yesteryear, they need to know how much you appreciate everything they do. In your quest for getting published, or starting a business or getting that degree, remember that the people who are adjusting their own lives to help make it possible do it because they love you, not because it is THEIR dream. They need to know that you care about them, and that you will be willing to take your turn as Supporter when their dreams start to take off.

Maybe you are the president of Dream Support for a spouse or a loved one. It’s OK to remind the Dreamer of your needs…except do it over a cup of coffee, not by slamming a door and hoping your Dreamer will get the message. You don’t even have to refer to yourself in the third person. Finding common ground for a common purpose can bind you together in a very special way if you’ll let it.

Both Dream Pursuers and Dream Supporters have to make a lot of sacrifices along the way. Finding a dusty old journal in a ragged cardboard box helped me remember that the people we love are the most important part of any dream we have.