Pardon me while I lick my wounds…

Today the finalists to the ACFW Genesis contest were announced. I wasn’t among them. Secretly I had been hoping and wishing I were, so that it would be one sign from God that I could pick up the pen again, so to speak. I guess either my entry didn’t hold up to the competition or God was holding firm to His original plan. I don’t know which I would rather believe, knowing I stink as a writer or knowing God doesn’t want me to write.

Doesn’t really matter either way, the result is the same…I still can’t pick up my WIP.

I’m feeling my loss of writing so tremendously right now. Before this contest business, I had a sort of peace about not writing. But now my desires are being stirred again, not to mention that ugly green monster has reared its head.

I don’t know if I should just quit all this hope of writing again to spare myself the pain, or struggle through it.

A wise friend (who finaled) wrote me and said, “So, what I’m trying to say is that you really need to completely give it to God. Pray for peace in your current situation. And when you finally reach that peaceful place (and if you’re faithful to Him and honest with yourself) then you’ll either a) be at peace with His plan for you, or b) He will bless you with an opportunity to write again.

But you REALLY have to let it go and trust in Him. You mentioned His “original plan” for you. My friend, His plans for you have never changed, they are just different than you thought they were. “

So have I fully given it to God? I thought so, but now I’m not sure. Bible stories keep coming to mind, like the image I had of Abraham putting his child on the altar when I gave up my WIP. Now I have thoughts of King Saul when he spared the life of the enemy king and kept the best animals to sacrifice to God. The prophet Samuel told Saul, “obedience is better than sacrifice.” Saul shouldn’t have held back from God even though he wanted to offer a sacrifice to God.

Am I still holding something back from God?

Then I have images of Aaron building the golden cafe when Moses went up to the mountain. Have I fashioned a golden cafe in the form of this blog?

So many questions, so few tears left to cry, and still I’m not any closer to my answers.

Thank God for the comforting words from wise friends:

“My heart cries with you. Nothing is worse than laying our dreams on the altar and waiting to see if God will kill them or give them back to us.”

“Don’t give up your writing. Just put it on hold for a time. Until you hear God telling you it’s time again.”

“There’s a reason you’re missing on this list. The important one. The Sovereign Lord said, “I have a different plan in mind for you. Trust Me. You’re going to love it. Sure, maybe not right away. But when all the details unfold, Your disappointment will turn to gratitude. I’ll wait. Will you?”

I’ve been waiting over twenty years. What’s a few more in the scheme of things? Yes, Lord. I’ll wait. Just give me Your peace as I do.