Re-evaluating!

I feel like I’ve come full circle from when I started this blog. (If you don’t know the story you can find it under my photo in the sidebar. Click Debut Post.) I started this blog when I felt God urging me to give up writing, specifically my WIP. I did and it was like a part of me died. But I grew closer to God, and I thought I was getting my priorities in order. Maybe I was fooling myself. Maybe I just traded one idol for another. Maybe I missed God.

I feel like I’m a cross road. My family’s needs and demands have slowly been neglected again while I seek comfort and escape to the blogosphere and pursue my own dreams. I’ve been telling myself that when my WIP is finished, when school is out, then I’ll get my house in order. Maybe I’m just fooling myself. While I feel like I’m doing some good to some out here who read my blog, should I be trying to do more good in my family? Maybe this blog should be titled Portrait of a Mom…Interrupted. Maybe my writing is an interruption in my life… I just don’t know anymore.

My husband doesn’t feel like I’ve been pulling my weight around the house. His exact words “I really don’t know what you do around here.” I understand what and why he said that. And there’s a measure of truth to his words. My mother has been living with us for four months and has been carrying the load of doing laundry and some cooking while I concentrated on my writing. I know I’ve taken advantage… My husband has always been wonderful about putting the kids to bed at night among his other self-imposed to do list. He rarely complains, but I can sense his disapproval when I’m writing and he thinks I should be doing something else.

I know I do a lot, but it looks like maybe it’s not enough. (Deep down I know it’s not enough.) I wish I were one of those moms that simply had dreams and goals to be the best mom, wife and homemaker, but I’m not. I hate most things domestic. I don’t clean or do laundry on a schedule, but they get done. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish God would take away my other desires, at least during this time of my life. I think maybe he is.

My husband thinks I spend about four hours a day on the computer. I don’t think I do…but I often run to the computer when I’m tired or need a break. And I know I take advantage of his servant heart more times than I should. I’ve been feeling the conviction myself to get on a schedule a routine and I started one today with the kids, but maybe it’s not enough.

Maybe I need to do more at home and less here. I don’t know. Or maybe I do know, and I don’t like the answer.

I feel like a complete failure at this balancing thing. I’ve interviewed hundreds of moms who do it and yet I still can’t make it work in my life. Maybe balance isn’t for me. Maybe I’m an all or nothing kind of person. I don’t know. I don’t know much or anything anymore except I feel like I’ve come full circle again and I’m not sure what to do about it.

Maybe I need some time to sort it all out. Maybe I need a blogging sabbatical to focus on my family more. I don’t know. All I know is that what I’m doing is not working for my family again. But honestly, I don’t think not blogging or not writing will fix everything that needs to be fixed, but it might be a start. How I hate the dying to self thing! It seems to do everyone else good except me!

Here I’ve come full circle, Lord. Now what?