When Waves of Overwhelm Hit Hard
Last week, I was overwhelmed by work so I started this post to help deal with “normal” life overwhelm. It started like this”
WHEN OVERWHELM HITS, HIT BACK
It’s kind of ironic that after I overcame some obstacles and returned from a very focused, productive, and relaxing work retreat, I get hit in the face with overwhelm and lose my focus. When I look at my to-do list and all that is left undone, I get overwhelmed. I start to question which little tasks will move me closer to checking things off my list. And for almost three days, I’ve had paralysis by overwhelm. Even the Pomodoro method I used with great success seems futile as the responsibilities continue to be piled upon my shoulders. It’s abundantly clear I cannot do all the things I’m required to do. My “to-do” lists have “to do” lists…
Blah, blah. blah.
If only I could go back to a week ago when work overwhelm was my biggest problem. I think underneath that overwhelm was the reality that the timeline to deal with my mom’s (and my) living arrangements due to dementia was closing in. I had exhausted all possible options and still hadn’t come to a conclusion. I was feeling pressure by the clock and my mom’s frustrated and fearful emotions. Not to mention, I was in the middle of the grief cycle, not about losing my mom, but about losing my life.
I know that sounds so selfish, and I hesitate to be so vulnerable for fear of misunderstanding and judgment from others, but I know I’m not the only one feeling this. You see, I haven’t had what you would call a happy life. Looking back, I was probably clinically depressed as a child and teen. Part of it was due to circumstances in my home and not knowing how to deal with all the negativity and scapegoating I lived with. That turned into me learning how to play the victim role really well which didn’t serve me later in life, but it was all I knew. I was desperate for love and acceptance and married the first “good” Christian man I believed would love me and never leave me. I was wrong. I’m not sure he was capable of love in the real sense of the word. And after 20 years of a miserable marriage, I left him to love and save myself. That’s when real healing took root.
The next seven years felt like I was walking through hell as I realized I had no healthy support system and allowed people to come into my life that didn’t know how to love either. Then Covid hit. I didn’t mind the isolation. I had been isolated for decades. The shutdown actually brought an incredible opportunity for me to double my income and launch a new business. 2021 still had its struggles, but I felt I had just made it to shore after treading water for so long. I was ready to lie on the beach and enjoy my life. And for a while, I did.
Then reality hit this week like an unrelenting storm. I saw it coming, but I wasn’t prepared. Sorry to sound dramatic, but time is running out with my mom in the early stages of dementia. I need to make a big move – figuratively and literally – and there have been roadblocks on every turn. Financial issues. Housing issues. Family drama issues. So I gave it to God, hoped his path would be clear. It hasn’t been.
I feel like all the other battles in my life were just training for what I’m about to face “alone” in this season. I know there will be other people to help support me from afar, but I will be in the hurricane alone. Just like the hero in my novels, I’m entering the black moment scene of my story where all hope seems lost. I don’t even have time to grieve what is happening to my mom because I’m too busy grieving the loss of my own life, just when I was starting to live.
Some will understand. Most probably won’t. I’m okay with that. I know I must battle the storm within as well as the one raging outside. Maybe this is what all the other storms were preparing me for.
I don’t know it yet, but this is a battle I will win, and the only thing I know to do is to suit up with the armor of God to prepare! There’s no one going into the cave with me except Jesus, and I love the messages God is sending me. Look what comes after the battle. When the battle is over, there will be a greater reward. I just pray it’s something I can enjoy for myself while on this earth for a long while.
