The Cure for Lack of Connection

God showed up again in a small, but powerful way last night!

I was exhausted, but craving connection and wasn’t up for a big crowd event for several reasons. I probably should’ve stayed home and gone to bed early for some much-needed rest. But I’ve been thinking a lot about what I “should” do and what my soul really wants and needs. I knew I didn’t need another night alone at home. So I forced myself to get dressed and pushed myself out the door.

Even though Rona is on the prowl again, I weighed the risk of being out and about. For the record, I don’t lean heavily to either side. I’m more of a middle-ground, I-see-both-sides kinda person, but the thing that got me out the door after I weighed the risk was my need for connection.

Once in the car, I felt a bit of refreshing. Just getting out of my “cluttered with moving boxes” house changed my mood. It was like the air literally cleared, and I was able to breathe. I walked into my neighborhood “Cheers” scanning the crowd where everyone else knows each other’s names, but not mine. I’m still a newbie and usually not one to strike up a conversation with strangers, but I was open to it. From a distance, of course.

Sidling up to the corner bar stool, I made sure there was enough space on either side, but not too much to be unapproachable. I recognized the masked bartender immediately and ended up ordering my usual. In the past, I would’ve never sat at the bar. I would’ve found a quiet table all to myself and just observed those around me: disconnected. But I’ve gotten used to sitting at the bar alone, talking to the bartender, and occasionally those around me. I’ve come to learn, the bar isn’t the pickup place it was decades ago. It’s where people go to sit and have conversations with strangers. To feel connected.

As I waited for my order, I took out my planner to figure out the next day. That’s when the older gentleman caddy corner to me said “no working.” I smiled and said I was just planning the next day. I’m sure I rambled something else, but what caught my attention was his east coast, possibly slight New York accent.

Me: I hear an accent. Where are you from?

Him: I don’t have an accent you have an accent… I’m from New York.

Me: I knew it. Me too! Where?

Him: Long Island.

Me: Me too! Where?

He lights up and at some point he’s out of his seat and gives me a side hug and we talk about Coney Island and Brooklyn where he grew up and where I spent many weekends with my dad. We found out we had more things in common like we’re both Yankee fans (real live “field of dream” ballgame was on,) and he worked at the university I graduated from. That school was the reason we both ended up in Oklahoma.

We talked some more and soon his friend showed up with more ties and connections. She worked at the local school where before Covid I taught my summer and after school programs. In fact, I might have taught in her very room. Then my food arrived. They went back to their conversation and I focused on my meal, calendar, and phone, my soul feeling full, connected.

I recognized yet again, a little kiss from God, a whisper saying “I see you. I hear you. I know what you need. Be patient just a little longer, and look for the little things I send you. Embrace them and you will find peace.” He’s been telling me to “wait in expectation” for years now.” I’m not one for being patient, but I’m learning that patience quiets the longing and suffering.

My need for connection has always been strong. As an INFJ, I thrive and need close emotionally intimate relationships which have rarely shown up in my life. Or if they did, it was only for a short season. So my life has felt like one endless solo journey searching for that special connection with a best frend, boy friend, husband, or significant other. But what life has taught me is that connection doesn’t have to be found in that one special person. It can be found in many different people. And for most of us, it is.

I love what Brene Brown has to say about connection.

We all need to be seen, heard, and valued. Although that need doesn’t have to be filled by one person, it usually shows up in one-on-one interaction. In fact, I believe true authentic connection can only come from the time we invest in listening so people feel valued and heard, and then being vulnerable enough to offer a part of ourselves back in return. This takes both risk and authenticity, but I think the payoff is worth it.

So what is the cure for lack of connection in our lives? It’s to go out and find it. Step out of your comfort zone, create a space for connection to show up, reach out to those who are in your space, and be patient. Don’t chase people that don’t belong to you. (Preaching to myself here!) Show up as your authentic self, and you will attract those you are meant to connect with. It can be as easy as asking a stranger about their accent.

Look for the little kisses from God and the whispers that say “I see you. I hear you. I know what you need. Be patient just a little longer, and look for the little connections I send you. Embrace them, and there you will find peace.”